The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back!
9 01 2008
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but I’d rather be blind than see a coward in the mirror. In our evolutionary history, intimidation was a direct result of physical size. One human being would be intimidated by a larger creature, and even a larger human being. This formula is still in play, you need look only to night-club bouncers, celebrity security guards and biker gangs. As the tolerance for physical violence in our community diminishes, verbal intimidation has found itself a new home in our lives.
Often, the blows from a verbal intimidator can be just as punishing as those from a fist fight. With all matters of survival, if you don’t learn to fight, you will lose. Never instigate intimidation, but learn to fight back when somebody tries to intimidate you.
What is verbal intimidation?
Verbal intimidation is often the road of the coward. The intimidator attempts to generate a range of fears in their target by simply using intimidating words. This can be as extreme as the the threat of physical violence. However, I am more interested in verbal intimidation that is non-violent in nature. The kind of intimidation used by lawyers, corporate rivals, police officers and employers.
Intimidation techniques
Every technique employed by the instigator has a single goal: to take your power away from you. Every one of us has a fighting spirit, a confidence that allows us to wake up in the morning, and take on the world. Your verbal attacker is going to try and take this away from you, to leave you nervous, doubting yourself, and even stuttering. Your aim: to never give your power away. You will always have your power if you remain calm, confident, and equipped with the responses provided here.
Cutting-in
This is when the instigator asks a question, and immediately cuts into your answer with the next question. The result of this technique is that the target does not have a chance to explain their answers at all, leaving them scared about what the next question may be. This is most commonly employed by lawyers and police officers. The fear of being misquoted or taken out of context creates a feeling of nervousness, often making the target feel small and taking away their confidence to fight back.
Your Defense - Slow it down
If someone tries cutting-in on your responses. Simply pause, then politely reply:
I’ll answer your next question, when I’m done with this one.
You will likely hear the response, “We’re moving on.”. To this, confidently respond with:
We will move on, when I’m finished.
This needs to be said in a calm and emotionless tone. Do not be scared to respond in this manner. Your aim is to take the power away from the instigator. They will attempt to take control of the conversation by trying to get back to cutting-in. You need to slow the conversation down. Keep saying “I’m not finished.” when they try to cut-in.
Shouting
Hot headed upper managers can sometimes feel like gods in their workplace. As well as creating the office in 7 days, they sometimes shout down to employees as though they are children. Do not let this happen to you. There are only two people who are allowed to talk this way to you, your mother and father. The verbal attacker is attempting to convey dominance over you. If somebody is shouting at you in the work place with other people watching, you need to remain calm and completely disarm this individual. If you allow yourself to be yelled at, or get into a shouting match, your attacker will have walked away the victor.
Your Defense - Subtle Humiliation
Although this may sound counter-productive to your career, you need to employ a form of subtle humiliation. In effect, you need to humiliate your attacker by remaining calm and making them out to be a drama queen. I once witnessed a perfect example of this from a work colleague who had a verbal attack instigated towards him by a senior manager. As the manager elevated his voice to declare dominance, my work friend simply said:
I understand the concern. Though I do think you’re being very emotional right now. Let’s talk about this once you’ve had a chance to calm down.
The anger in the manager’s eyes grew ten-fold. In a desperate attempt to appear dominant, the manager further raised his voice and responded:
No! We’re talking about this now!
To which my colleague stood up, and responded softly:
I will talk to you, but I will not let you shout at me. You are my boss and I respect you, but you are not my mother.
My colleague had managed to hold on to his power, and reverse the desired affect of the attacker. In an effort to display dominance, the senior manager was made to look emotional. The dominance was transferred to my colleague, who incidentally took over the management role six months later. Much like Judo, he used the attackers power and weight against him.
Information Flood
This is a tactic used commonly by high powered attorneys who attempt to reach settlement by intimidating a member of the public. By flooding the victim with trade jargon, legal documentation and trade law references, the victim feels overwhelmed and has an emotional drowning sensation. The lawyers who practice this technique are completely aware that members of the general public do not understand the reference codes and precedents. They are not attempting to inform, but to intimidate. By making you feel overwhelmed, you are much more susceptible to co-operate with their agenda. Do NOT allow anybody to make you feel that way.
Your Defense - Active curiosity
Active curiosity is when you are really excited to learn about something new. This attitude will likely drive your attacker crazy. Your goal is to have them explain every little thing to you, and appear to be really eager to learn about it. They are trying to threaten you, yet you act like a kid who is learning to play the guitar. You are smiling, attentive, and inquisitive. As they throw trade practice laws your way, smile, nod, and have them explain all of the fine details to you. Treat it like a college education. Do not give away your power. As long as you have your confidence, you already have a head-start.
The Bait
Much like fishing, the bait is used to lure you in for an off handed attack. The attacker’s aim is to plant hurtful or accusatory phrases in seemingly innocent conversation to lure you in. Here’s an example:
Hi Sophie, I know you’re busy but I need this document written up before noon. It’s so easy, even you could do it. Thanks Sophie.
The bait here is “even you”. If Sophie is like most people, she will take the bait and respond with:
What do you mean even I could do it? I’ve been working here for 8 years and …
Your Defense - Skip the bait
Sophie took the bait, and now she is justifying her existence to the instigator. To which the instigator could simply reply, “you’re over reacting”. Sophie will lose her power in this conversation. Her aim, and your aim should be to NOT take the bait. Ignore it. Pretend you didn’t hear it.
This will make your verbal attacker recoil. You did not give them the response they were expecting. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. If someone throws in a bait, they want you to get upset and emotional - sometimes make a fool of yourself. You simply respond to the question or statement, ignoring the bait altogether. If you repeat this process with serial verbal offenders, they will soon give up entirely.
The lesson here is simple. You are a habitant on this wonderful planet, and you have the right to deny others control over you. When I was young, my father once passed on some great advice to me, which I am proud to share with you. He said, “You may not like the way things are in this world, but if you don’t learn the rules of the game and fight back, you will always lose.” Learn the rules, don’t let others gain control over your emotion, and fight back!
If you enjoyed this article, you may also like:
- Conflict: Your guide to resolving any heated argument
- The Art of Conversation: Stranger? No danger.
- The Stigma of Occupational Prestige
UPDATE: Due to popular request, I would like to provide you some resources from the amazing Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin. She is the authority in the field of Verbal Self-Defense. I have conversed with her over e-mail, and she has given me permission to link to her books, and provide a link to her page where you can find out more about her.
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work
You can find more information about Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin at her website: http://www.adrr.com/aa/ (opens in a new window)
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This is great, thank you.
thanks for this info
i personally have been in a couple of those situations myself, the first where i was called into my bosses office myself and verbally intmidated with other staff clearly listening in, my boss is more educated and is better with words “on the fly” than me, thanks as i know how to deal with her now -
“i would appreciate it if you will not speak to me like i am a 6 year old, i reserve that right for my parents”
Steve: The level of education your boss has should play no part in intimidating you. The words are not as important as your ability to remain calm, unemotional and confident.
A fictional role model for this type of behaviour is the character “Alan Shore” (played by James Spader) in the television series Boston Legal. He always has that calm, self assured and confident look on his face regardless of the situation. He speaks softly, slowly, and sets his own pace in conversation. Your words combined with this level of self control will definitely give you an edge over a loud boss.
Managers and bosses sometimes feel they can speak harshly to employees, because “we need the job”. Truth is, they need you more than you need them. Work is not that hard to find if you’re willing to look. You generate more money for your employer than they pay you, otherwise it would make no economic sense to keep you employed. Just remember that you are never trapped, and should respectfully decline the next time somebody tries to talk down to you.
Many thanks for reading, and for your comments. I hope this equips you with what you need, for the next time somebody tries to intimidate you.
-Jay
good stuff. well done
Nice Article.
I always point out to a verbal attacker that they have something stuck between their teeth.
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but I’d rather be blind than see a coward in the mirror.”
Two thumbs up for an excellent quote and awesome article!
I have personally been in a number of situations like the ones described. Sometimes, actually asking someone to repeat their insult and calling it an insult embarrasses them.
Like the one to Sophie - “Even you could do it”.
I have tested over 180 on standardized IQ tests, and had someone imply something like this to me once. I immediately said something to the effect of “That’s a cute insult. Let’s see you back it up. Let’s both take an IQ test and see who is the genius and who is the idiot. Just tell me the time and place. We can do it online today after work and you can pick the test. I will pay for it!”
“Oh, by the way, not only do I have three college degrees and speak five languages, my IQ is over 180. Time and place sucker!”
The bitch got fired soon after.
Idiot.
Well Santiago, you have all the qualifications of an elitist. What do you do for work? IQ of 180! So what?
What do you know of life and the people in it?
I have a total disregard for authority and uniforms. I believe that they suffer from inferiority complex, megalomania, paranoia and narciscim. Traits of which i see here amongst the replies.
Get your own authority! As punishment for my contempt for it- I have been given it!
Nice article though. Well done. The Baldcehmist.
Great article, but I do want to point out that all these tactics can be used for good and not evil… used correctly you will get your way 9/10 and gain a good reputation amongst colleagues who are unable to speak this way and will look to you to “represent” them.
Example:
We recently updated our tax software (I’m a tax consultant) and a junior member of our team was struggling to complete one of the trickier supplements as the software required different entry methods to our old one. I too was unable to complete it so we went to our manager.
Manager: “What, you can’t complete this? Well I can’t have a senior in my team who can’t complete this form”
Me: “Well can you please show us how to do it now on your computer”
she cant complete the supplement
Manager “just leave it with me”
me “maybe you can show us how to do it when you work it out”
Haven’t been spoken to like that since and the junior thinks I’m a hostage negotiator. gold.
I am 5 feet 7 inches tall, thin as a rail, and mad as a hatter. If you have a personality and disposition like mine, you learn –very young– to be verbally aggressive and not take prisoners. It works for me. The people who know me accept this with a nod and a smile, strangers flee in waves. This works for me, too.
Peace,
Karl A. Krogmann
www.fastercats.com
This is great especially for women recovering from spousal abuse. Thank-you so much for writing this.
How helpful! Your tips are practical and useful. One of the big hurdles to handling these sorts of situations are their novelty. Most decent people just do not have experience with tacky people; thankfully, bullies are relatively rare. Our lack of experience with them is a blessing in all ways expect one. We do not know what to do when they strike.
I have run into steamrolling bullies before–in person and online–and these tips would have saved me a lot of trouble. Honestly, as it’s happening, it’s almost unreal. “Did that person really just insult me in front of everyone?” Once you recognize it for what it is, it’s pretty easy to detach.
Thank you for sharing the experiences of others, so the rest of us will be better prepared.
that’s really cool one thanx for sharing it
jasmne
tech-chek.blogspot.com
This mostly sounds like hypothetical information. I would question how often you have used your advice yourself, and tested it in different situations.
Your boss might also shout at you…. to express anger. It is a normal emotional responce in a vast group of people. He may not be trying to dominate you. And parents do not reserve the right to treat you like children. Anyone whos authority is over you and feels like you are being a child has that right.
Or anyone with the right to free speech.
And you make it soud as if being emotional is a bad thing.
Peter: During my life, I have worked as a manager, as an employee, with attorneys and as a front-line customer service rep. The techniques here are only a subset of tools I have used in dealing with verbal intimidators, but they are the most effective. The advice and examples from this article are mirrored from my own experiences, and have worked for me every time. There are no hypotheticals here.
Please do not misunderstand, the issue here is in dealing with somebody who is trying to verbally intimidate you. If the aim is to invoke a negative emotion in you, then yes - being emotional is a bad thing.
You mention that someone who has authority has the right to treat you like a child. I have to disagree strongly with that. There are respectable people in authority who have the ability to convey an authoritative message without making you feel like you are two feet tall. Yet, there are others who will power-play you, shout down to you, try to impress others by using you as a stepping stone, use corporate rankings to bully you and feed their ego. This article is used in dealing with the latter.
Many thanks for your comments and suggestions. Please keep them coming.
-Jay
Excellent article, this is one of my weak areas and I plan to keep these in mind. Just a small word correction - at one point you used the word “perceptible,” when you meant “susceptible.”
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for validating me. I work with a few HUGE power players (so they think) and some of your tactics I have utilized before I read this article.
The ego is the main culprit in many scenarios. When their flash is all gone they are fumbling idiots.
You are “right on” with your cutting in and skip the bait. All of it.
Thanks again.
great info and tactics I have used them many times myself, but sometimes you just got to punch an idiot in the head!
This was very well written. It is rare that I will sit online and read an article completely but skim through stuff. This really caught my attention and offered valuable advice and suggestions in real world situations.
I’ve seen your methods used before and I usually find the people who use them to be smug and/or merely incapable of creating a smoother method of escape. Your method seems to be fighting fire with fire of a different type. I’m not saying that people should allow themselves to be intimidated but that your options seem to support putting down the other person rather than maybe reminding them of their manners if they just had a horrid day.
Some of your responses, the curiosity, anti-cut in, and subtle humiliation come to mind, would seem to anger or annoy the person who’s speaking to you. Usually this doesn’t help since you probably need to work with this person otherwise you wouldn’t be talking and ingraining a clear defeat is not a good way to get things going. I personally think that a more diplomatic approach is better. All you need to do is convince all witnesses that you know what you’re doing and it doesn’t matter if you give the other person what they want. It’s win for you and win for them. The other might even figure out that you really won without publicly spitting in their face.
Plus, the person could get angry enough that he would act violently. Never a good thing even if you deserve it.
For some strange reason, though, I’ve never worked with someone who would act as stupidly as this Sophie person that you brought up. Of course, I’ve also never worked with someone who would say something as obvious as “even you” without it being meant as a joke of some sort. Perhaps my experiences are just too far out of the ordinary for them to be regularly applicable, as my friends say, but I do feel a strong personal dislike of your methods.
Justin: I absolutely agree that these methods can bring aggravation to the other party. These techniques are not recommended for everyday disagreements. This is strictly for individuals who are up against someone trying to belittle them. If you have not come across these situations before, then you are indeed a very fortunate person.
Finally, I concur with your thoughts on a diplomatic approach when you are arguing with someone who is worthy of a diplomatic resolution. In fact, my follow up article to this one (Conflict: Your guide to resolving any heated argument) focuses on reducing tempers, focussing on the problem and coming to a win-win resolution.
Thank you for your comments/criticisms. Please keep them coming, and don’t forget to check out Conflict: Your guide to resolving any heated argument - it focuses on some of the issues you have raised here.
-Jay
Hello
As I read this article I realized that this has happened with me a number of times. I would like to present an example:
I take up a job and get at least one person (a colleague) who tries to be friends with me. Now slowly he/she starts controlling me in such a way that I fear to disobey him/her. Then finally I get angry and react badly or leave the job. Then I take up another job just to see that there is another person of the same kind over there. And the cycle goes.
So the lesson I have learned after leaving 2-3 jobs is that:
1. Colleagues can never be friends.
2. Identify such people in the very beginning.
Your article has helped a lot as it has defined what I have gone through. I never knew that the word ‘Intimidation’ can be used to describe it. And yes we all have some power and nobody has the right to take our power.
Looking forward for more articles especially such eye-opening ones.
[…] The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back! […]
[…] The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back! […]
This is sometimes not so easy to achieve but it’s VERY effective against shouters (normally loud or angrily loud) and people just going off their brain. When you respond, lower your voice just a notch. The shouter often doesn’t notice. Then, at the next opportunity, lower it a notch more; after two or three of these, the shouter for reasons he neither notices nor understands, matches your volume. It’s weird and sort of funny to disarm these sort of people.
A by-product of doing this is that it seems to empower you psychologically and help you stay calm. I’ve used it, taught it to some timid colleagues at one place I used to work at that we suffered under a monster GM. He was still a monster but we at least felt we had some control and dignity.
i’m forwarding this to my younger sisters and a few people around the office. this is a GREAT take on verbal intimidation. To be honest, I’d never thought it to be such a power struggle, but it seems that it really is.
i can relate to each type of this verbal attack, and your techniques to disarm them seem like they’d really work. there are a few instances where this has happened to me where i would have loved to “hold on to my power.”
i can’t wait to try this out. then again, i’d rather never have to. but we do live on planet Earth…and there a lot of a-holes.
thanks for not being one of them!
Hah yeah this is a great article.
I call this being ‘unreactive’. People try force roles on you, get a reaction from you and get you to prove or justify yourself to them.
One of the best things to do is misinterpretation or just not engaging in any logical conversation with them. This is like when people ask stupid questions and see what you’re going to answer.
Misintepret that they are trying to impress you or are hitting on you.
Love it.
Great topic, I have to admit to getting hyper emotional is such situations
I’ll take these tips to heart
Hello,
This is *the* best article I have read in the last six months. Wonderful. This also reminds me of being assertive. I think that is a very good quality. I face all these problems, and in an attempt to justify me or establish me I get angry.
Thanks for the wonderful article.
PS: It would be very nice if you change the article body font. It is very small I think.
Great post. Enjoyable read and very useful!
Incidentally, there are people out there, like myself, who are so offended by verbal attackers that they will do whatever it takes at any and every opportunity to derail, defile, disempower people who do not act respectfully towards others.
It is always surprising to me that some people feel that shouting or insulting others is an effective way to get results. I can’t think of any situation where it has ever inspired greateness from me. Invariably this will get me dedicated full time to bringing down the monster.
I think some poeple have the military mindset where you seek to disempower others by humilation, intimidation and domination. This strongly creates a weaker overall organzation and makes for a less thoughtful environment. Maybe that’s what it takes to get a guy out in a field with a high power riffle in his hand. But this simply is not the way a professional organizations should be run.
There are many in this category who grow from childhood with this kind of bullying mentality. They cannot be changed - you cannot reprogram them. If the parents never put a stop it, they will carry on with this behavior throughout their adult lives.
I see this immature behavior in a sibbling, who is now a middle aged attorney. Imagine that.
I’ve used the calm and continued direct response techniques for quite some time now. In many varied situations. The examples offered here seem to lean mostly to the workforce, but the same responses by and large work most of the time in many situations.
And - when headway isn’t made - while staying calm and collected - I’ve also adopted a recent Esquire Magazine writers’ tact of simply hitting the twit square in the nose.
Who does that nowadays??
Well . . . . ME!
This reminds me of so many people, and documents my reaction precisely.
Very good article.
Excellent article, thank you!
Wow!! This is awesome. I have been putting a few of these in practice lately, with my husband who has decided to scream his head off whenever he wishes. It REALLY works particularly the one about the screaming!! Excellent article ALL of these are very efficient!! Good JOB!!
Really great article. It supports what Cesar Milan always emphasizes: a calm and assertive response is the best way to take control. (Yeah, he’s talking about canines, but I find that so much of his wisdom carries over to humans.)
Anyway, I work with children in crisis who are constantly victimizing each other verbally. I’ve been struggling to figure out a way to teach them some practical verbal defense techniques in a way they can comprehend and employ. Essentially, my goal is to help them internalize this golden rule: “You can’t control what other people do or say; but, you can control how YOU respond.”
If they could just learn and utilize that small piece of wisdom, they could do so much better in life. Anyone have any suggestions on how to rephrase this concept so that kids can understand it without losing any of its impact?
If so, please contact me here: www.healingembrace.org/contact.html. Thanks.
Great article. I’m forwarding this to my granddaughters. They are just getting started in the workplace. This will help them maintain their perspective — and their dignity.
This is sooooo great! i Love it! ^^
Jay: I was commenting on the fact that you wrote a blanket statement saying that only your mother and father can talk to you as a child. I know this guide is for verbal bullies, but that does no mean that your statement is true. You mention people with the ability to convay authorative messages with out belittling, but not everybody has a way with people. What if you act as a child, continously, and the person grows weary of this? Is there no time when you can be treated like a child?
And if not, what right do you parents have to treat you like a child?
Dont get me wrong, it was a very good piece of writing,very entertaining, especially the mother and father bit, but that doesnt make it true.
P.S. I think its good to know that this knowledge is first-hand. So many pieces of advice (especially Internet advice) are just postulation on possibilites.
I liked this enough that I linked to it at http://nmwoodworks.com/life/?p=39#more-39
Some years back I learned the art of reflective listening, which has served me in good stead in a number of conflicts ever since. It helps me to defuse matters that may already be well out of control. It might actually be considered a variant of the ‘exuberant interest’ technique. You put yourself on the side of the attacker … and instantly there are no more victims in the room. From the perspective of an ally, you can then work through the actual problem.
There are NO conversational panaceas, but having a variety of verbal techniques available will let you select the tool best suited to the moment. Changing the pace and tone (slower & lower) will usually buy you the time to see a way to navigate between the rocks hidden just below the surface. Expressing agreement with the person over even a minor point is also useful. “You’re right, I could have done this better if I had had more (name the resource that actually hindered you).
I have been summoned into a closed office for a sound butt chewing (one of me vs 3 of management) and not only repelled the discipline that was obviously scheduled, but also walked out with a plum assignment. When one of the managers offered documentation of my mistake, I silently pointed to his error and slid it back across the table to him. The others, called to back him up, seemed relieved that his bluster had been called.
It is possible to ‘fix’ almost any situation. The key ingredient is, I think, not to surrender control of your own mind, your own sense of self, to someone else. My bottom line when speaking with an employer is that I had my dignity and my sanity when I walked in the door and I will still have it when I walk out. That’s the bottom line and it isn’t negotiable.
What works for me (only thing I use) is silence or the silent treatment. If someone shout’s at me or insults me, I ignore them to the best of my ability and preferably walk away. This might seem weak, and it is if I forgive them too soon and allow them to pretend it did not happen, make light conversation etc. The key is to continue to keep silent in their presence, continue to ignore them, answer yes or no or preferably not at all. If I have to look at them I do so with disgust. They usually try to normalize the situation, try to get me to talk again with them to relief tension but I don’t allow them since I have learned from experience that it is a to get me to lower my defense so they can attack again. So if somebody does not deserve to be forgiven, don’t and don’t feel guilty about it.
The only tip I can add is how to handle a co-worker who enjoys finding faults in your work and waiting untill he/she can point them out in front of your supervisor. I had a co-worker at Sallie Mae who thrived on doing this to people. After a couple days of this (finally realizing it was on purpose) I turned the table by complimenting him. I simply laced the compliment with heavily emphasized words like weasel and ferret, “Wow Bob, I’m really impressed that you cought that. You really WEASELED that out didn’t you. You’re FERRETING skills are really top notch.”
By the end of a one minute, very calm, tirrade, Bob was almost in tears and our supervisor was almost doubled over snickering to himself. I wasn’t aware that our boss was on to Bob’s tactics long before I arrived. Anyways, my coworker never pointed out problems with my work in front of our boss again.
Great post and great ways to handle communication/conflict issues.
This was a really interesting article. It’s tough not to engage with folks like this - I find that staring at them with my eyebrows raised in disbelief can often derail them. I then resume the conversation as if they hadn’t spoken. Another response that works for me is a puzzled, “Hmm. Well, that’s an interesting perspective.” Fundamentally these folks are bullies, and you provide good techniques for dealing with them.
wonderful article, thanks for sharing
Great article, Jay! Any idea on what to do if the attacker changes the point:
Attacker: You’re stupid.
Me: No, you’re stupid.
Attacker: At least I’m not as ugly as you are!
What do do then? Email me please!
Wonderfully written. Very useful.
Hey, I have a query. I had a tough time once, dealing with a person who kept intimidating me - not really he was getting angry or shouting etc. - he just kept on passing harsh sarcastic comments to whatever I said or did (at times even during smalltalk).
He was a bully but with a smile instead. We both have to stay together for the job. So I felt I had only two options either I shout at him loudly or accept his comments…
What can be done in such scenario?
Thank you !
Thank you !
Thank you !
Deciding to preserve our dignity is a choice we can make…
Brad: Why do you care what an idiot thinks of you?
No one can make you feel bad without your permission … you are completely responsible for what goes on between your own ears. If someone is able to make you feel bad with mere words, then you are valuing that person’s opinions way too much. Just mentally dismiss all of the person’s opinions as noise … treat it like dog barking … no real information content other that “this dog is angry”.
Sarcasm is easy. Just ask the person if he really believes that statement … and make him explain in detail that he is being sarcastic.
If he calls you stupid because of this just smile.
“Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig enjoys it!”
Great article and tips. As a physician I see a lot of patients whose health suffers because of the anger and frustration that this kind of interaction can cause. I caution my patients that they should “be careful not to burn down their house to kill a rat.” It is important to protect yourself from abuse, but easy to get sucked into wanting to have the last laugh, making yourself a target for revenge.
Jay,
You are intimidating me with this post. I refuse to be treated this way.
Seriously, great post. I have one question though regarding ‘the bait’. My approach to this would be to let a few barbs fly by but then at some point I would politely and calmly confront the person about the barbs. This usually throws them and they realize the cannot treat me this way and they actually respect me for politely and calmly confronting their behavior. The barbs usually then cease. Sometimes though, you do just get an ass and you have to go over their head but I find this usually works because it shows you are, a) aware of their little comments, b) strong enough to not react at the time they are hurled but mature enough to approach the problem at another time, and c) possessing of enough self respect to not allow yourself to be treated that way.
I have found that many times if you let someone subtlety berate you and you do nothing, they will continue.
Thoughts?
I have a technique that I use to steal the power away from someone who’s being a jerk. It’s similar to your “Active curiosity”. I’ll thank them, with intense sincerity. For example, if someone angrily tries to talk down to me for not knowing something, I’ll look them in the eyes (important) and give them a sincere “Thanks Bob, I’m glad to know that you’re looking out for me. I wouldn’t have known that without you. I’ll mention something to your supervisor about how helpful you were.” This kills them. Especially knowing that they were such a jerk. Sometimes, the jerk will purposefully shrug off your sincere thanks because they have no defense to your kindness. At this point you must keep thanking them until they are forced to give you a “your welcome”. Once you’ve got them to say “your welcome”, you’ve won. I once had to put my hand on a guys shoulder, look him in the eye, and say for the 5th time ‘THANK you Bob.” They have no place to hide, and WILL respond with a “Your welcome” or a “No problem”. It works like a charm. You usually only have to do it once. Give it a shot.
hey, jay, nice input. it really applies to me. I’d get back to you once I’m done with my boss.. hahaha! lol
Is this a course in mental manipulation. I have a mother who is a expert at passive/aggressive and had a father who excelled at yelling at times. I’ve used all the techniques listed plus the thank you, your absolutely right to turn people around. There really are only so many personality types, it’s just the mixing and matching that can be a challenge. I love the managers who kiss your ass to get you to help them but when you refuse they remember nothing from the past. Your as good as your last mistake, or rejection of their wishes. 99% of the managers I’ve known have gone into management for the wrong reasons. Usually for their ego’s and because they feel they are better than their co-workers. Ego really is the greatest sin, people need to get over themselves.
Thank you for this. I’ve actually been acquainted with some of these techniques through an anger management class I took many years ago and had found it extremely helpful for my mental well being.
Nice Article. Really gave me good pointers about how to deal with some of these so called verbal intimidators in today’s corporate world.
One of our friends loves to talk really fast, so fast that you become breathless trying to keep up. I make a point of slowing down, not a huge amount, but like I’m just being thoughtful when I talk to her. I refuse to give in and it works. Frankly I don’t think she’s doing it intentionally but I think it’s still a form of bullying.
One warning about the resolution of the “cutting-in” attack. I had this done to me by a border guard one time and it was plenty unnerving, but rather than trying to turn the table it’s best to simply stop your current answer and move on to the next one. They can make you wait for a looonnnng time if they don’t like the way you turn the answers back at them.
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This is great stuff. CHEERS!!
This is a great article! My last boss was a shouter, and although I didn’t handle it as well as you advise, eventually I got used to it through repetition and learned to stay calm. But another thing that happened is that I lost more and more respect for him each time he shouted. He left the company and now I hold his position.
I’ve never been confident of myself as a manager because I DON’T intimidate anyone. I try to be more nurturing… Every one of my people WANTS to do a good job, and I try to enable them to do it. Praise is all I can offer as a reward, and I give it when it is earned.
Thanks for this article. It helps me feel that it’s OK to be myself at work.
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Nice article. This really reminded me of Mr. Rogers’ talk at the US senate that can be seen here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a41lJIhW7fA
He just spoke in his usual calm manner and that made him more powerful than anybody else.
you have to worry about being so defensive that you make assumptions about what a person is trying to do to you.
Some people are just too defensive that they read complex behaviors into things.
You will often find that on occassions YOU - YOURSELF have shown those same tendencies you are accusing others of showing against you.
If you do not like someone - just don’t talk to them. Or walk away and terminate the relationship
Great advice. I actually used similar techniques just a few days ago. My roommate was screaming at me over my decision to move out–literally as loud as you could possibly imagine an angry person being–but I won the argument by remaining calm and refusing to get pulled into a shouting match. I also refused to take the bait when I got a cryptic text message from him a few days ago. These techniques work!
Wow, this is great! I’m only 15 and have already been in many of these situations.
Thanks!
Can you point us to some effective ways to deal with people who really need to be dealt with? Let’s face it, some of the people who are the targets of these unfair tactics are bad employees or folks who need to be shaken up a little. Nobody deserves to be treated disrespectfully; how do you issue a wake up call without being a jerk?
On the similar topic, I came across this.
Simply great article.
I have been a target of harassment at my job myself. In fact, I still am, but at a much less extent, and I am able to manage it now.
I have had stress related illnesses for some time now, gastritis pain (very severe), panic attacks, insomnia, and all the works. I tried everything, but nothing seemed to make any difference. I had to start seeing a psychologist to help out with the issues of “work bullying” and they did work only partially. I tried anti-depression medication, but (thanks God !!!) i could not keep them down (because of the gastritis pain, I would immediately vomit them back). I took anti-anxiety medication for months (which, by the way, helped a lot) but I knew I could not take them forever. The only things that worked was to believe myself that I could manage the situation, or at least do some damage control). I had to convince myself that my health problems, although real (the gastritis pain, sleepless nights, panic attacks, etc) did not have a valid reason for that. So I took over my life back by understanding that my mind was just tricking me, and that my conscience was stronger then it, that my will prevails among anything else. Second was to use the tactic you mention in this article as “Subtle Humiliation”. It is amazing how it works. Specially if you make a very genuine “i am sorry for your behavior” face. It really slowed down the bullying and life is much better now.
“The Bait” section reminded me of Groucho Marx in Duck Soup.
He said “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
this does not work in the teen/preteen world what so ever (i can’t wait to be an adult)
Thank you for this article! Makes me remember a time in an interview where when I mentioned that I would like to get a job where I could have upward mobility (rather than the 3 person workplaces I’d been working at) and the interviewer asked me,”So are you looking to take our jobs?”
I was dumbfounded. I did ask,”Excuse me?” and made her repeat herself though. In front of another manager and the owner of the company.
While my answer wasn’t the best, I really had no idea how many people were in her department, and obviously did not mean that, I do think she came out looking a bit paranoid. I’ve made a mental note though that next time someone does something like that to me in an interview, that I calmly excuse myself and thank them for their time…
[…] Jay Morrissey » The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back! “With all matters of survival, if you don’t learn to fight, you will lose. Never instigate intimidation, but learn to fight back when somebody tries to intimidate you.” […]
Might I suggest that what you should’ve said is something like, “Well, naturally I realize that right now I don’t have anywhere near the experience to do your job, but I would aspire to be the type of employee whom you would trust to fill your position if you should ever decide to pursue other opportunities.”
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re: Throbert McGee
Nice! That is a great reply…
I have to say, just for me personally though, I would not want to work for someone who felt they had to ask questions like that in an interview. But, having a great answer like that would feel fantastic : )
Thank you for this article. It came at just the right time because at this time I am having some difficulties with one of my colleagues.
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I am all for ways to get out of slanging matches.
The slanger has a lifetime’s practice, so you will never win,
and sometimes having and saying holy things verbally,
may be a win win too.
THis reminds you of better ways, and often are
conducive to be repeated as a mantra.
The Boss is anyone who is bossy by the way.
Also do not forget that there may be something worthwhile
in eeew what is being said.
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nice articel.
Thank you for this powerful and helpful post. I really needed it and benefited from it.
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If you do decide to quit against an abusive boss, how do you handle that? Do you state that you’re quitting due to this boss who is ineffective and downright abusive? Would love an answer on this. Thanks so much on a great article.