Conflict: Your guide to resolving any heated argument
12 01 2008
Disagreements are a fact of life. They are a necessity for understanding each other, for growth and sometimes as a means of discipline. That said, arguments can get out of control very quickly.
When this happens, both parties of the argument can (and often do) say things that they do not mean. As emotions pour like a fountain, a simple disagreement can turn into a series of personal attacks.
This leads to the first rule of graceful argument diffusion:
1. Never hold the other party responsible for what is said in an argument
We all make mistakes, and we all say things we don’t mean. You need to be mindful of what people say in an argument, but you may need to ignore and let go of insults and generalisations that come your way. Emotional arguments usually include the phrases “You always…” and “You never…”. Clearly these are massive generalisations, and are expressed only because the other person is upset.
I understand that we should be mindful of what we say, but the first step in resolving arguments is to realise that the other person is only human too. In a perfect world, an emotional person would be careful in choosing their words as to not offend another. If you find such a perfect world, please send me an invite.
2. Find privacy
Two people should never argue loudly in front of other people. I have witnessed this in open offices, on public transport, in front of children, and even in the middle of a suburban street. You may find it soothing to publicly humiliate someone in the middle of a passionate argument, however other folks do not want to hear it.
Furthermore, reconciling after an argument is much easier if both parties learn to argue privately and respectfully. If you yell at somebody in the middle of a busy office, you now have two issues that need to be reconciled instead of one.
3. Lower your voice
The opposing party may be shouting, however you need to keep your volume low and even, always. A common excuse for raising one’s voice is “well, I want to be heard”. Trust me, if the person you are arguing with is yelling, they will not hear you, no matter how loud you get.
You are better off speaking softly to reduce the agitation and tension of the other party. Their voice will soon fall back down to your level, making it easier for you both to listen and understand each other.
4. Speak slowly
Your aim is to remove the emotional tones and aggravation in a discussion so that you can focus on the actions necessary to resolve the issue. A key way to bring the argument back to earth is to speak slower.
Fast paced speech is usually pressuring, agitating and leave’s the other person little time to collect thoughts and respond. By speaking slowly, you will subconsciously calm the other party (as many hypno-therapists do) and give them a chance to respond between your pauses.
5. Reassure the other person of why you are arguing
In an agitated state, it is easy for us to feel like the other person is attacking us, that they do not like us. While working as a customer service representative in my youth, I would often have callers shouting at me for things that had nothing to do with me. It made no sense, but I took it personal - as if they did not like me. I now use that experience to take the “personal” out of an argument, and reassure the person I am arguing with as to why I am displeased.
For example, if I am in a heated argument with a customer service rep, I will often say “Look, you need to know that I am not upset with you personally. I am just frustrated that …”. The same pattern works for interoffice conflicts: “My frustration is not with you. I think you do a great job… my only concern is with the lack of documentation in these areas.” You would not believe the affect this has on the other person. By expressing the area of concern and reassuring them that your issue is not with them personally, resolution becomes much easier.
If two parties are defensive, they will both go into the offensive. Your goal is to break down the defensive barrier so that you can both come to a reasonable agreement. This is the strongest tool in my toolbox when it comes to resolving arguments.
6. Recommend a Time-Out
Although this may not always be convenient, a brief time out can help both of you calm down and collect your thoughts. In an office environment, I have found that taking a few hours apart from the person you are in conflict with can greatly enhance your ability to come to a resolution.
If you feel you need to talk to someone in the meantime, be sure that they are positive and generally unbiased. The last thing you need is somebody with an agenda who makes you more angry with the opposing party.
7. Treat the issue with respect, don’t joke around
If the other party is upset about an issue that is not important to you, do not make a joke or smile about it. I have seen a single smirk turn a petty disagreement into a fist fight. By making fun of an issue, you are making fun of the person who is bringing up the issue.
Smiling and laughter have their place, and the course of an argument is not one of them. If you have a tendency to smile or laugh during serious events, you need to practice self control. Making light of an issue is fine if you are alone, but if you wish to come to any resolution, the other party needs to know that you take their concerns seriously.
8. Do not involve others
I have been dragged into a countless number of arguments in offices to either support or refute a personal disagreement. This is no fun. Do not make this mistake. The disagreement needs to be resolved between you, involving other people will only make the opposing party feel bullied. This type of behaviour disrupts office politics and introduces further conflict between people.
It is selfish to drag other people into your arguments, by proving your point, you may have created an outstanding issue between the opposing party and the third party. Fight your own battles, it may be harder but your friends and work colleagues will thank you for it.
9. Stick to the point
Do not digress. Stay on topic. Arguments can open the gates of previously bottled and unresolved issues you may have with the other person. In the middle of an argument, do not bring up something that they did a year ago. This type of behaviour is childish and proves only that you have trouble letting go.
Digression can easily turn an issue based disagreement into a personal attack. By bringing up previous events, you are simply demonstrating to the opposing party that the problem is with “them” personally. This takes the focus off the issue, and achieves nothing towards resolution.
10. Sit, don’t stand.
Level the playing field. If either of you is standing, you should recommend that you both sit down. This is a less threatening posture, and will reduce each other’s primitive fight or flight stimulus.
Two men who are standing while in a heated disagreement may not consciously be aware of that their primitive signals are to engage in combat. Sitting down will at least make sure that while you are both in conflict, there is no risk of subconscious threats.
11. Keep a physical distance, and respect it
This follows closely to the previous point. You need to avoid standing face to face, as this is physically a very confronting stance. By maintaining a comfortable distance, and respecting that distance, you will have a better chance of focussing on the issue rather than on each other directly. Sitting side by side is recommended to sitting directly in front of one another. Again, keeping some distance will keep both of your primal instincts in control.
12. Take the argument to another location
A change of scenery may be exactly what you need to reduce the tension. Office environments often do not provide a relaxing atmosphere. A conflict in an office may better be resolved in a nice cafe close to work. I have personally found that a change in scenery helps to heal disagreements with much less effort.
13. Confirm that the outcome is acceptable for the other person
After coming to a resolution, be sure to confirm that the other person is okay with the outcome. You may feel that the issue is resolved, however the other party may still feel short-changed. Simply asking “Are you comfortable with that?” will let you know if you have indeed come to a successful resolution.
This is both necessary and noble. By not confirming their view, you risk the chance for another argument later. Simply showing concern in this regard will greatly help your personal and work relationships.
The next time you are in a heated debate, be sure to call on these techniques to come to a meaningful resolution. Many friendships and relationships have been lost to arguments that have spiralled out of control. Approach disagreements consciously rather than becoming a victim of one.
Whether you are in disagreement with a friend, a spouse, a manager or a work colleague, the aim is always the same: to focus on the issue, not the person. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all just want to get along. So, lets be conscious of ourselves, mindful of others and do what we can to make this already complicated life a little easier.
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- The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back!
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Great site! I just discovered it through StumbleUpon and liked it very much!
As a suggestion, you could write a post about logical fallacies, which are somehow related to the subjects you work with (like verbal intimidation, for example). I wrote one myself about fallacies on my field of work, urban planning (unfortunately, it´s in brazilian portuguese).
Congratulations!
Sorry for the continualy crittism, but I automatically play the devil’s advocate when I see no-one else doing it. (I think the best way to see if something is true is arguing against it, and seeing if it stands up to the scrutiny)
Firstly, good guide. I would say that, if you are able to do it, step 6 is the most effective. I can be hard to break a heated argument, though.
I will say, however, that you should be careful with 3 and 4. If you suddenly drop your voice and slow down in the middle of a passionate argument (It has happened to me) it can feel like the other person is trying to belittle you for letting your emotions take control, and they are being purposly condescending.
Step 11 is true, but 10 doesnt have any evedence to support it.
Sitting opposite one another is a very confrontaional pose, games like chess or draughts etc. are all done facing each other, never side by side.
And I know that most of the theories of body language are not scientific.
Sitting on the edge of a chair, leaning towards some one can be threataning (even though you say there is no risk of subconsious threats whilst sitting), yet it is also seen when people take an interest in what another is saying.
I would never speak of such common knowledge (Such as the flight or fight responce) as a verified truth. They can be the result of “common knowledge”, on which Einstein has an interseting view. “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
Hope I didnt rant, and its a good article.
Thank you for writing such great articles! I thoroughly enjoyed this, as well as “The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back!”
In response to Peter’s comments, I simply take it as advice: take it or leave it. But its comforting to see focus on standing up to a needless power struggle in our societies. This article came particularly useful in my attempt to resolve issues between housemates of mine.
Thanks again, and you have a hooked reader!
Good stuff…My Dale Carnegie book was getting too battered…
Thank you for posting this article. I also try hard to solve problems in relationships as much as humanly possible and this article helps tremendously. My appreciation to you is in the highest sense.
To show you my gratitude I would like to share with you a post I found that also helps with resolving problems in relationships: http://consciousflex.blogspot.com/2008/01/how-to-dissolve-problems-in-human.html
Thank you indeed, please keep up the incredible work in helping others!
oh yea man informative i love it
Whatever! ignore the insults that happen as a result of an argument cause “nobody means what they say”! thats a crock of shit! it doesnt matter how angry a person is, they are still responsible for how they deal with their emotions. If someone is verbally abusive as a result of being angry, then they are responsible for hurting another person. People are definitely responsible for what they say no matter how angry you get. It doesn’t matter if they believe what they say is true or not, it could still be hurtful and they should be accountable!
Thats like saying “its ok for me to beat you cause im angry, you know i didnt mean it, i only do this when i am angry”. People are responsible for how they treat others all the time especially when angry!
lol, so Crackgerbal you mean to tell me that there is nothing you have said in the heat of the moment that maybe if you had thought twice about it you might not have said it? and as far as saying “its ok for me to beat you cause im angry, you know i didnt mean it, i only do this when i am angry.” lol, that is a crock of shit. First of all that was taken to an extreme, and im sure the author of the article didnt have that type of situation in mind. If you know anything about the world you know that there is no one answer for everything. But what the author here is doing is sitting down and thinking of a way to make the average, everyday disagreement between to very human, and imperfect people, go just a little bit smoother.
I do agree that people should be accountable, but the only difference between fists and words is that fists will always hurt when thrown at you, but only YOU can let words thrown hurt you.
GReat article by the way, in my opinion i think everyone should at least read this over once or twice because any of these guidelines could, or would, help any heated argument go smoother.