Jay Morrissey

The power to communicate within the human species is our single most precious gift. Still, we have only scratched the surface with our ability to connect with each other. We are taught from a young age: don’t talk to strangers.

This is sound advice when you are seven years old. Though as an adult, this attitude can massively affect your enjoyment of life. We can all agree that the people we know now shape our lives. Yet, we are often shy, scared and even lazy when it comes to meeting new people. I have split this article into five sections, to demonstrate why you need to kick the “shy” habit and come out of your shell.

1. Dating

Put simply, if you rely only on friends-of-friends to meet new people - you are massively short changing yourself. Although the advice here is nothing new, allow me to give you some perspective on this. Due to the inability to approach strangers, I have friends (mostly men) who have testified that they would rather stay in an unhappy relationship than “go out there” and “meet new people”.

I feel bad for them, and even worse for their spouse. There is no feeling more awful than being settled on. The sting of rejection can last for a few hours, but the drudgery of an unhappy relationship could last for the rest of your life. If you have your eye on someone, take a step and form a connection. Don’t worry, in my next article (The Art of Conversation: Confidence), I will show you how. For now, remember the price you may be paying for staying “shy” in a world that favours the brave.

2. Your Community

Many years ago, while living in the outer suburbs, I used to hate my neighbour. He was constantly noisy, had a loud car, even louder parties and a girlfriend that made me blush. You know what? He turned out to be a great guy. All I had to do was introduce myself to him and he became a good friend. The noise levels did not change, but my perceptions of him did. He didn’t bother me anymore. How strange.

While speaking with friends about this topic, often a well known Seinfeld episode is mentioned. Jerry Seinfeld’s neighbour (Kramer) puts on display the photos of every tenant and their name in the foyer of their building. His reasoning: if we all know each other, then we won’t steal from each other. I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I am personally much more understanding and sympathetic of people I know rather than those I do not.

Our community survives only from the connection of strangers. No government agency will introduce you to those in your apartment building, or your suburban block. This is our responsibility, and the world is better for it. So the next time you run into someone in your apartment building, hold out your hand and introduce yourself.

3. In the Office

This is a bold statement, you may not like it, but its true:

Your ability to connect with other employees is the single most important factor in maintaining your career.

Yes, this includes strangers in your work floor. Anytime you meet somebody new, you bet others are paying attention. People skills are running dry in corporate environments, if you are able to comfortably strike up a conversation in the kitchen of your office - you will have a significant advantage politically than a colleague who cannot.

While working in a consulting firm, I had once asked a stranger in the kitchen about the (quite absurd) strength of coffee he was pouring for himself. We spoke for a few minutes on different topics, introduced each other and parted ways.

Later that day, he made an appearance in an important meeting and introduced himself as the Chief Technical Officer of our client. He spotted me, leaned over to my manager and said “he’s got people skills, don’t let this one go.” I was given a monetary promotion two days later.

Whether its the managing director, the cleaner or a complete stranger - it will never hurt your career to connect with people. If anything, it will make your working day more enjoyable.

4. Circle of Friends

If your friends are solely from work and college, you are missing out. Some of the most engaging conversations in my life have been from people who do not share my background, education or perspective. I have grown more from isolated conversations with strangers than years of talking with the same person over and over again.

The goal is not to increase the size of the circle, but to fill it with quality individuals. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to exchange phone numbers with a new friend, or inviting them to a dinner party.

The friends you have now are likely to be the ones you keep for the rest of your life. There is no harm in adding quality people to your group, especially if they have almost nothing in common with you. Perhaps they will be the right person with the right advice at the right time.

5. Yes… Even Shopping

The ability to converse comfortably with strangers has a very odd side effect. I often get significant discounts on shopping items - without asking for them. I had only recognised this oddity when I came out of my shell in early adulthood. This is in no way manipulative on my part. I do not set out to obtain a discount, it just happens as a side effect of being kind.

Imagine you own a small footwear store. A complete stranger walks in, asks to see a shoe in size 11. Tries the shoe on and it fits. The stranger pays retail price, and leaves.

Now imagine the same situation, but a friend of yours walked in. Will you charge a friend the same amount as a complete stranger. Likely not. If possible, you will “throw in a discount”.

I am somewhere in between these extremes. I am friendly, but still a stranger. I have no agenda, I am this way naturally. If the person serving me looks tired, I will ask: “You look tired. Do you have long before you need to close the shop?” By engaging in conversation, in very short time a connection is made. In a matter of minutes, I am no longer a complete stranger. We know each other a little, and sometimes that makes all the difference.

When it is time to pay, the shopkeeper will often (not always) discount the items because I made their day, or put a smile on their face. I am sharing this with you because I want to illustrate the positive affect you can have on people, if you just make a small effort to get to know them.

For a life better lived

I do not consider myself an outstanding extravert. In fact, I think the rest of the world is chronically introverted. Music players, books and text messaging have given us an excuse to disconnect from others in public.

Have you noticed how easily senior citizens are able to engage in conversation with strangers? An old man on a train can strike up a conversation about anything with anyone. I think age teaches one very important lesson: the only thing that matters is personal connection. In a matter of seconds, a connection between two strangers can be made.

The elderly look at strangers differently than our younger generation. They are not overly friendly, the rest of us are not friendly enough. To better prepare our generation with the confidence to make these relationships happen, my upcoming series of articles will be focussing on these issues.

The relationships we make with strangers can last a few minutes, or even a lifetime. Regardless, there is a joyful feeling when this connection is formed, and we should never deny ourselves of these humanising moments.

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