Anxiety: Embracing the Dark Emotion

We all get that sick feeling in our stomach from time to time. Challenges and changes in our lives are supposed to be exciting, and yet these situations are often accompanied with anxiety.

Learning to handle anxiety is an important skill, one that can take an entire life to master. Throughout your existence, life will throw you a series of challenges, the more unique the challenge, the more anxiety will accompany it. The nature, and source of the challenge is unimportant. The critical factor is in your ability to take on the challenge in a relaxed and thoughtful manner.

The Anxiety Paradox

Our physiology is paradoxical. Rather than being rewarded with a feeling of pride and bravery when challenged, we instead are punished with self doubt, loss of appetite and a social disconnect from others. The ultimate result of anxiety in our lives is that it deters us from trying new things and handling the twists and turns of external factors.

Like all things, anxiety can cover an entire spectrum of personal responses. Be it a single moment of self doubt before a big presentation, or a completely incapacitating response that causes the person to remain indoors indefinitely. We all face the burden of anxiety everyday. Those who learn to face anxiety will have a richer experience in the limited time we have on this earth.

Jay meet Anxiety, Anxiety this is Jay

Anxiety is something that had a strong effect on my experience as a youth. I was never incapacitated by anxiety, but socially I was shy, would not take any risks, and lived completely in my comfort zone. I had the same set of friends throughout my primary and secondary education. I was invited to parties, but never went. I never asked a girl out, and was only involved in relationships if a girl made the first move. I would be blissfully ignorant to my behaviour, had it not been for my older brother who was quite the opposite.

He tried new things. He was a talented artist, musician, and a socially gifted individual. He took risks, without any proof of possible outcome, he attempted so much that most of us would not. This was a strong contrast to who I was, the realisation of this difference would later be the greatest self-discovery in my life.

As I joined my older brother in University, I quickly found out that he was an abnormally popular and respected person. Through his guidance, personal experience and friends of amazing social aptitude, I have since learned to handle anxiety, and even use it to fuel positive behaviour. I am happy to share what I have learned with you.

The Spectrum of Life: Acceptance of Anxiety

Most of us have heard of the concept of “comfort zone”. This is a collection of environmental attributes, people and behaviours we are comfortable with. We are often told to increase our comfort zone, to allow us to better take on challenges and handle problems. I used to think: “But, why would I want to take on more challenges and problems. Life is already hard enough, why make it harder.”

I remember talking with a close friend on this subject. He was someone I would consider a social, academic and professional success. When I explained to him the anxiety I felt when trying new things or meeting new people, the conversation took an interesting path:

“We all feel anxious. What’s wrong with that?”

I replied, “I’m sick of it. I’d rather not do something, than have that feeling in the pit of my stomach.”

“I feel like that all the time. In fact, if I don’t have that feeling of anxiety once a day, I’m obviously bored.”

“Sounds terrible. Why would you do that to yourself if you didn’t have to?” I asked, thinking he was just showing off.

“It’s the Spectrum of Life mate. We all die, that’s a given. But I don’t want to leave this Earth without experiencing the full spectrum of feelings. Happyness, sadness, excitement, anxiety… Do you want to live a semi-existence? Or do you want to live a full life? If I was happy and comfortable all the time, I would miss out on the other half.”

He had a point. It had not occurred to me until that moment why people voluntarily pay money to watch scary movies. Fear is a negative emotion, yet we pay money to experience it.

As if reading my mind, he continued, “Imagine if cinema had no drama, no fear, no awkward characters and embarrassing scenes. It would be boring as hell, you wouldn’t watch it. Why would you live it?”

I found my answer. Why would I grow my comfort zone? Why would I accept the feeling of anxiety? Because without it, I will have lived only half of what I’m emotionally capable of. I did not want to live a “boring movie” anymore. For the same reasons I would voluntarily watch a comedy or a tragic drama, I wanted to “feel” more. Perhaps, if I live my life more fully, I would not crave these emotions in entertainment so much.

Control or be Controlled

Accepting anxiety is the first step. It allows us to welcome the feeling rather than running scared of it. That said, without controlling our emotions, they will us.

This relates to all of our emotions, not just anxiety. For example, if we allowed anger to control us, the rate of road rage related homicides would be a scary reality. Imagine if we asked somebody to marry us anytime we were happy. Having control of our emotions is an important part of our function, without it, our desired outcomes are dependent only on the emotion we are feeling at the time. If you killed somebody anytime you were upset, you would certainly regret it once the anger subsides.

In a similar way, anxiety needs to be controlled. Growing up, we are taught numerous techniques by our guardians on dealing with anger, such as taking a time-out, counting down from 10 etc. Rarely do we learn how to cope with anxiety.

Distraction

The single best way I have found to cope with anxiety, is to simply distract from it. When you are anxious, idleness is not your friend. I always carry a portable music device with me everywhere I go. By filling it with funny podcasts, or interesting audio books, I can drown out any doubtful thoughts in my mind by redirecting my focus.

In an important professional group seminar, I was one of three people presenting to a large audience. I was accompanied by a work colleague and a professional guest speaker. An hour before presenting, my colleague had excused himself and left to a small cafeteria to be alone and gather his thoughts. By the time he returned, he was a nervous wreck. In idleness, his anxiety took over him. When presenting, he was barely able to look up from his cue cards in fear of making a mistake.

In contrast, an hour before the same seminar, the experienced guest speaker insisted that we converse about something completely unrelated. He explained that by distracting from the anxiety, our chance of a good presentation was greater. You see, the butterflies in your stomach never go away, but your ability to focus on something else ultimately impacts your ability to forge ahead. The professional speaker understood this.

I asked him, “Are you not anxious?”

He responded, “Oh yes. When I’m no longer anxious from speaking in front of people, that’s the day I will quit. The challenge is not in speaking, its in handling my emotions beforehand.”

After presenting my part of the seminar, I sat back and watched the difference between someone who is in control of his emotions, and someone who let their emotions control him. I knew exactly which one I wanted to be like.

The Mind-Body Connection

The role of mind-body connection is something we are all familiar with. When helping an angry friend to calm down, we often tell them to “breathe slowly”. Breathing slowly mimics the behaviour of someone who is calm, and by association will cause a feeling of calm in the angry individual. We rarely see a happy person frowning, or a sad person smiling ear-to-ear. This is because our posture (body) and our feelings (mind) are interdependent.

Our usual sensibility tells us that our mind will ultimately control our posture. If we are happy, then we will smile. This is not a one-way street however. The conscious manipulation of our body can affect our feelings, much like the way a “power-suit” or an elegant formal attire can change our self-perception. I jokingly call this the “James Bond” premise, as even a teenage boy will walk around like James Bond in a fine suit.

By controlling the body, we can positively affect the mind. In moments of anxiety, it is good mimic the posture and behaviour of somebody who is confident and relaxed. I find that by leaning back in my seat, stretching my legs out, with a cup of tea hiding a somewhat forced smile, I immediately begin to feel better.

I also engage in conversation with people who have a habit of making me laugh. I find laughter has the strongest affect over all mind-body techniques. If I am alone at the time, I will attempt to listen to something funny or watch a good comedy show. This has the added benefit of distracting you, as well as positively affecting your state.

The Dark Emotion

I refer to anxiety as the dark emotion. Like every other emotion, its affect on us is dependent entirely on how we control it. It is wrong to say that anxiety is bad. We need our darker emotions, just as much we need happyness and confidence. Often, anxiety is a drive to change something in your life. If you woke up one morning, anxious of all of the things you need to do that day, does it not spring you into action?

If you unfairly hurt someone’s feelings, is it not your anxiety that instigates your apology? Ultimately, I have learned to embrace anxiety as a part of my human experience. At times it causes me to stare at a wall, at other times, it makes me feel alive! The impact anxiety plays in your life will essentially depend on your ability to embrace the darker emotion, and control it like you would any other.

The next time anxiety gets you down, remind yourself that experiencing the “rainbow of emotions” is a gift that you should allow yourself to receive. You can always paint with the bright colours, but the artwork that is you, would never be as complete without the darker shades.