Is it wrong to be single?

Love is a wonderful thing. Without downplaying the importance of love and relationships, I do want to point out that “single” people among us are often discriminated.

Of course, the severity of this discrimination is minute compared to that of race, gender and sexuality. However, single people are made to (and often make themselves) feel like something is missing. There isn’t.

As “dating” and “getting married” are such common goals in our society, I wanted to address those who have decided not to adhere to these goals. You may be single, but you’re not alone.

Discriminated? How?

Firstly, many of us make the mistake of assuming every “single” person is looking for someone special. If I published an article called “The Art of Playing Cupid”, it would likely get more attention than this one. We invite a group of friends for dinner, and seat single people together hoping that sparks fly.

The “Singles Table” at a wedding is a popular manifestation of this type of behaviour at work. Admittedly, this is fantastic for individuals looking to meet other people romantically, but what about those who have made a conscious decision to be single?

Socially, those in relationships feel somewhat comfortable educating those who are single. Ironically, I have lost count of how many unhappily married friends offered me advice on “meeting the right person”.

In the Office

Speaking from personal experience, single office workers are far more likely to be demanded for overtime than those with spouses and children. Upon resisting to commit to overtime, one manager explained to me: “Come on. You’ve got nothing to do. I can’t ask the others, they’ve got families to go home to.” Imagine that. Nothing to do?

Single office workers also form the majority of romantic office gossip. As a bachelor, I was rarely able to communicate with an attractive employee without triggering a rumour. I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for single women in male dominated environments. Almost any innocent conversation can raise eyebrows.

It is wrong to be single…

Through my youth, I was “always” in relationships. One relationship would end, another would begin very soon afterwards. This went on for many years.

Reaching early adulthood, a relationship soon became something I “needed” rather than wanted. I became “dependent” on having someone in my life romantically.

To be honest, I thought this was perfectly fine. My environment validated my feelings. On television programs and movies, all single people were happy only when they met someone else. It was in the lyrics of almost every song released.

Distant friends would start conversation with, “so… are you with anyone?”. Ageing relatives would ask, “When are you getting married?”. My environment taught me one thing: it is wrong to be single.

The Glass is Half Empty

I only felt the true impact of this “dependency” when I left it unfilled. It felt like I had a void in my life. I did not feel like a complete person. My older brother was also a bachelor, albeit a very comfortable one. Upon realising how down I was, he took me out for a coffee and began explaining:

“I know why you’re upset. You can’t be single.”

“Sure I can.”

“You can for a month, maybe a few months. But I know you. You will get back into a relationship the first chance you can get.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked. My behaviour felt perfectly rational in our society.

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You identify yourself within the context of a relationship. You never gave yourself a chance to like who you are.”

“I like who I am.”

“If you liked who you are, you would be comfortable in your own company. You are like a half-empty glass, waiting for someone else to fill it.”

“Everyone is looking for someone.” I said.

“I’m just saying, you should look for someone, once you’re comfortable being on your own for a while. I want you to like being single. I want you to go into a relationship out of joy, not need.” He was right.

He continued, “I like relationships, but only if they add to my current enjoyment of life. The truth is, I’m already complete, I’m a full glass. I wasn’t always like this, but I’m glad I worked at it. It may take you two years, or ten years… but learn to like yourself on your own.”

I took his advice. As lonely as it was sometimes, I promised myself to be comfortable on my own before reaching out for others.

I was lied to.

For three years, I lived as a bachelor. I learned to love coming home to a quite apartment, the spontaneity of going out with friends for dinner, and the comfort I felt in my own skin.

Rather than looking at what was missing, I focussed on all that I had, and I had plenty. A friend once asked me, “Aren’t you scared of dying alone?”. I laughed, and then asked him to keep that day free to keep me company on my deathbed. The truth is: we’re never alone.

In a cafe near work, another close friend asked me, “What if you don’t have any kids?”. Seemingly, there are bigger problems facing the world than my procreation. Running late, we stood to pay our bill at the counter, and by some divine intervention, a small child on the adjacent table threw an unwanted chocolate ice cream cone that landed “center-stage” on the back of my friend’s beige trousers.

“Bad place to get chocolate. That’ll be hard to explain at the office.” I said.

The single life wasn’t bad. My brother was right, you can be happy alone. I became independent. My glass was full. I cannot express in words how grateful I am to have had that conversation with my brother. The experience completely transformed me. My environment had lied to me, there was nothing wrong with being single.

Relationships can be amazing

Please don’t misunderstand me. Some relationships are wonderful. I love my wife dearly and would not give her up for anything in the world. I simply want to point out that a “single” person can have as much meaning and joy in his/her life. Whether this is a temporary choice or a permanent one, it is definitely an enlightening path.

A final note. If you feel uneasy being single, please take the time to be alone before your next relationship. Learn to like who you are as a “single” individual. If for nothing else, do it out of respect for your next partner. We want to be loved because we are loveable, not because we are needed.

Although the majority of you are likely in relationships, perhaps you know someone who is a little hard on themselves. Please feel free to share this article with them, and offer them a little encouragement. Thank you all for reading.