Jay Morrissey

Beliefs. They’re only valid when they belong to us. If only. Beliefs can be positive or self limiting, and even dangerous at times. Our environment, schooling, friends and experiences shape our belief systems. As these factors are unique, no two people on our planet share identical beliefs.

For this reason, it is important to learn to communicate effectively with those who hold a different perspective to our own. In fact, an important lesson is to prioritise human respect ahead of challenging another person’s belief.

Insensitive sensitivity

We have a dilemma in our society. People are overly sensitive. Yet, the very same people act insensitively toward beliefs held by others. To illustrate, I was once seated close to a devout Catholic woman and a young Muslim man. She became very upset one day when another colleague got into an argument with her about the commercialisation of Christmas, and implied that it dishonours Christ. She was so upset, she left work early that day.

The very next morning, she was on the phone to her friend. She said some insulting things about Islam clearly in earshot of the young Muslim man seated near us. He listened, kept his head down and said nothing. After her conversation, I took her aside and explained how inappropriate this behaviour was. Her response:

“He won’t mind. Besides, it is all true. If he can’t handle the truth, then that’s not my problem.”

“What is true for you is not truth for everyone else.” I responded.

How can someone who was so recently affected by a challenge to her own beliefs be so insensitive towards someone else? It’s quite simple. Beliefs are like children: they’re only important when they’re our own.

Changing Opinion

Why do we challenge other’s beliefs? Usually this is to bring about a change of opinion. Some beliefs should be challenged. Others should not. Change is an important part of our evolution, but we must first think about “change” subjectively. If a friend believes they are incapable of love, perhaps that is a belief worth challenging. We can universally agree that the belief in one’s self to be able to fall in love is a positive thing.

In contrast, what about change in religious opinion? Can we universally agree that a change to Christianity, Islam, Judaism or Atheism is the “right” thing? Of course not. This is simply a validation of our own ego. We assume that who and what we are is the “right” way to be, thus we have earned the right to change others.

Is change even possible for long held beliefs? As a species, we affirm our beliefs, ignore contradictions, and even deny what our eyes see. If we want something to be true, we will seek information that agrees with our already held belief. This is even true when reading reviews of consumer items we are interested in purchasing.

If you go to Church every Sunday and have been throughout your life, would anything convince you to stop? If you are a sceptical atheist and have been your whole life, would any argument make you a believer? If you have kids, could anyone convince you that your children are not special? No matter what the argument or evidence, people will unlikely change their beliefs. Some beliefs are worth challenging, others will never change.

Lose-Lose

Let me put it bluntly. If you are attempting to change a personal and long held belief of another person in a single conversation, you will never win. Your arguments may be flawless. You may even admire your own persistence. However, the other party will simply see you as ignorant, uninformed, arrogant and inexperienced. As you attempt to convince them, in the mind of the recipient, you are simply someone who is not intelligent or experienced enough to know what they know. This roadblock will irritate you, and you will irritate them. Lose-lose.

It is simply better to be on good-ground with people and agree to disagree than to make yourself heard. I have for a long time challenged the beliefs of others. I have hurt their feelings and learned the hard way. You need to ask yourself, is it worth it? Almost always, the answer is no.

The Simple Lesson

Human respect and positive interactivity is more important than anything else. If you agree with this statement, you will pick your battles wisely. Respect is a word that is thrown around casually, but it’s a wonderful thing. Think about the last two or three really nasty encounters you have had with other people. Would these encounters have occurred with such ferocity if there were mutual respect toward one another? There are more important things than winning an argument.

When to challenge?

Much of this article was spent in discouraging you to challenge other people’s beliefs. There is a good reason for this. Challenging long held beliefs is like navigating a minefield. We often don’t think about how we came about our own belief system. Did we change our beliefs overnight because of a challenging conversation with a friend? Of course not. We shouldn’t expect the same with others.

That said, there are times when you should challenge the beliefs of others. This is the exception to the rule. You should exercise this opportunity only when a belief is limiting the life-experience of another individual. Be it self-doubt, shyness, fear of flying, or rejection - it is a noble gesture to help someone overcome self-limiting beliefs.

Techniques for Discussing Beliefs

1. Mind your environment

When engaging in conversation with someone for the purpose of challenging his or her beliefs, do it in private. I have witnessed ridiculous office discussions, with one that spiralled out of control and ended in a legal battle for workplace bullying. It’s all about respect.

2. Keep focussed on body language

Watch for clues in the body language of the other party so that you know when to back off and keep quiet. If the individual looks up at the ceiling while you’re talking, this is a good indication that they are no longer listening to you. Parents of teenagers will have seen this many times. Furrowing brows, rolling eyes, even smirking - learn to back off, and let them speak - they’re not listening to you at this stage.

3. Shush… Listen

In any discussion, you want to avoid getting to a point when each party (rather than listening) is thinking about their next “line”. You can avoid this simply by keeping quiet and letting the other party talk. Let them get it out of their system. If the belief is worth challenging, it will let you know their justification, and equip you to counter argue. You cannot argue against the unknown. Let them talk.

4. Re-assurance

From time to time, remind the person that you are challenging them because you feel that their belief system is genuinely self-limiting. This is not an attack on them personally, simply a belief that is holding them back.

5. You’re worth arguing about

A good technique to lower the defensiveness of the other person is to simply say:

“Look. This is not fun for me either. But I care about you, and I care about what you care about. If it means we’ll argue from time to time, then that’s fine. You’re worth arguing about.”

It is a good way to demonstrate that you are not a self-validating egotist who likes to hear his/her own voice. Instead, you are showing genuine interest in their beliefs because you care about them.

6. I see your point. I used to believe that too.

You will almost always have better luck changing the opinion of another, if you had once shared their belief system in the past. We trust the opinion of those who have been in our shoes. Try and see things from their point of view and freely admit if you had once shared their belief. It allows you the chance to discuss your journey into finding your new belief - a story that will be far more engaging than simply arguing facts.

Self Discovery

Ultimately, we need to understand that the most important beliefs in our lives are obtained through experience and self-discovery. An infinite number of discussions about children will never prepare you for parenthood. A hundred books on religion will never convert an atheist, nor would a hundred books on atheism discourage a Christian.

Life is a journey of self-discovery. Ultimately, like magnets, we are attracted to the beliefs that resonate with us and validate who we are. We all see the same things but interpret truth differently. We can be quick to critically pick apart a belief held by someone else, and yet cling blindly and defensively to our own.

This article was written with a single message: respect first. If what you are about to say is disrespectful to another person’s believes, simply do not say it. No “how-to”, simply don’t. Our relationships and friendships are what define us. Don’t throw that away to outsmart one another. Agree to disagree.

In our efforts to be heard, understood and agreed with, we close ourselves from learning from others. Just as the multitude of languages and accents are like flavour to our ears, beliefs are like music for our soul. We should learn to turn down our own, so that we can hear the music of others.

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