Jay Morrissey

Growing up, I was very lucky to have such selfless parents. Their kindness extended beyond family, to friends, neighbours and work colleagues. My brother and I were taught to treat everybody with respect, kindness and with a nature of giving.

With a heart of gold, I approached my schooling age - an environment that would attempt to abuse, use and crush “kindness” to a pulp. Unfortunately, this is not isolated to young school kids. I found that through all of my years, phases, stages and careers - there were a seemingly endless supply of individuals who would prey on kindness, or act with disrespect simply because they think you are “too nice.”

School: Lessons outside the classroom

Into my third year of secondary education, I taught my self to cover my heart of gold with a rough exterior. I disliked myself for this. To leave my personality at home before coming to school was not an easy task. One evening, I forced myself to look for an alternative. I wanted to be respected for who I truly was, and not for the charade I had to put on every day.

I paid a significant amount of attention in high school, though I directed this attention towards human nature more than arithmetic. Rather than focussing on the “popular”, I was more interested in the “respected.” There was one particular child who had the respect of the majority without sacrificing his schooling for the role of “class clown.” His name was Anthony.

Anthony was kind, giving and approachable. Yet he was treated differently than other kids possessing these qualities. He was not bullied, was not used, was not an easy target for a verbal exchange, and he never had to use his knuckles. To make things even more complicated, Anthony was slightly chubby and shorter than most of the other kids. As unbelievable as it seems, the popular kids respected him and at times would seek his approval.

Little did I know that the lessons I would learn from this small boy would shape my adult life. Over the course of a few months, Anthony and I became friends. We spoke for only minutes a day, and our discussions were isolated in the confines of our shared classes.

As awkward as it was, I remember asking him for the first time: “How come people don’t mess with you?”.

I cannot remember his response verbatim, so I will do my best to recreate it.

“Why would they?”, he asked.

“Because you’re a nice guy. ‘Nice’ doesn’t play well at school.”

“I’m nice to many, and a prick to few.”

“But how do you know who to treat well? They’re all just faces when you first meet them.”

“Most people are nice, few people are not. I don’t know which is which, so I make everyone earn my respect regardless of their kindness.”

He continued, “Anytime I meet someone, I give them a chance. I’m not excessively kind, and I am not overly harsh - I am indifferent. In my next encounter, I will either distance myself further, or bring myself closer depending on the previous encounter. Rather than being nice all the time, I make kindness conditional on their own behaviour. They have to earn it.”

Anthony went on to explain that he learned this lesson from his recently deceased father, an Italian immigrant. Anthony’s mother explained that his father was often taken for granted by friends, co-workers and even family. He walked with an open heart, an open mind and an open wallet. Often, he let others take him for granted, still acting in kindness.

When he became terminally ill, his “friends” didn’t bother to visit. By using himself as an example, he taught Anthony that respect is more important than friendship. He didn’t want his son to be a vehicle for other people’s agenda - to be discarded and not thought about until the next time he was needed.

I have carried this sad story in my mind throughout the years, the message is simple: Respect is more important than friendship.

You the taker. I the giver.

If you are a naturally warm hearted individual, you will likely try to make friends through school, college, University and in your career. We can all agree that the best way to befriend someone is to be kind and giving. You may be kind to everyone that you know, regardless of how badly they treat you.

The problem with “Friendship” is that it can quickly become a one-way experience. A single party becomes a giver, and the other becomes a taker. Once a precedent has been set, the other party has a continued expectation for you to give.

Even as an adult, I have found that if I take some co-workers out to lunch (and pay on their behalf), they no longer attempt to pay anymore. One particular co-worker even passed the bill onto me and walked out of the restaurant, leaving me to pay as he headed back to his office. Needless to say, we had quite a chat when I caught up with him.

As a kind fellow, I thought I had many friends. Though, were they really “friends”, or just people who call me when they need something? If you are wondering the validity of friendship in your life, ask yourself: “If I died today, would he/she really care?”. The answer is usually a depressing: NO.

Let me put it this way:

Most people care more about what they’re going to have for dinner, than they do about your entire existence.

My goal is not to demean the value of friendships, but to illustrate the nature of giver-taker friendships. Always acting in kindness in our modern culture will ensure a plentiful of these meaningless friendships that end when you have nothing else to give.

Respect & Self-Value

Aim for respect, always. Make other’s work to obtain your respect and approval. Don’t give it away for free.

To illustrate my point, imagine yourself walking into a car dealership. You are looking at two vehicles that you know nothing about - you are trying to decide which is the better car. The salesman walks over to you and immediately gives you a discount on one of them. He then volunteers half a dozen extras to make it an even better buy. Before you have a chance to open your mouth, he then cuts the price even more. What’s going through your mind?

“There must be something wrong with this car. Clearly, the other one is of higher value or he wouldn’t be pushing this one on me.”

We do this all the time. We sell ourselves in this manner. We give things away, make ourselves too available, are too nice, and pay for others. Like the salesman who thinks they’re helping the customer get a bargain, we think we’re giving our friends a bargain. The result though is that we have just devalued ourselves.

Being mindful of this effect, we can immediately recall moments in our lives when being “too nice” has led to playing the “underdog” role in friendship, in romance, and in the work place.

If you have a giving nature, you owe yourself and our society to be in a position of power. Yet, this will never happen if you don’t learn the mistakes of your past, and start demanding respect. With respect, you can continue to be a giving person, but others will be cautious to take advantage.

Like training a puppy

The best time to “teach” others to treat you with respect is when you first meet. Granted, there are ways to transform long-term giver-taker friendships, but its always preferable to remove the leech before it begins to feed.

The following points may seem a little harsh, but in truth, they are vital to developing the true “reciprocal” relationships that nurture respect. We are not treating someone with disrespect, merely making them recognise our self value. Whether the other party has a kind nature, or an agenda to use you as a stepping stone, these techniques will ensure that your line will not be crossed.

Just say NO

Say NO early and often to demands. You will change this over time, but early in your friendships and romances, it is healthy to simply say NO to demands. Just like Anthony, you are making the other party earn the right to make demands of you. Once they have earned it, and have shown a quality of character that you approve of, then you can say YES at your own discretion.

When saying “no”, it is all about delivery. I don’t want you to deliver a very soft NO, with an excuse to try to water down the awkwardness. Just a good old fashioned “No.” You don’t need to justify yourself to others, so do not set a precedent in which you need to make excuses when you don’t want to, or cannot deliver a request. An example of this exchange would be:

“Andrew, what are you doing on Saturday?”

“Nothing. I’m relaxing.”

“Oh good, can you keep me company at the mechanic? My car will be in service for a couple of hours.”

“Sorry, no. I just relax on Saturdays at home.”

“It will only be for a couple of hours.”

“Yeah I know. But, no thanks. I should get back to work.”

This exchange may seem uncomfortable. You may think Andrew is being a tad harsh. However, the other party has inquired about Andrew’s availability before describing the request, in order to remove the chance of an excuse. Furthermore, Andrew was again pushed to change his mind when he has already said “No.” If Andrew was to be soft with this request, the other party would likely be making further and frequent requests from him without hesitation.

If another individual brings you to the point when a rude NO is necessary, this is likely to be the person who usually assumes the role of taker in the giver-taker relationship. Do not feel obliged to “act nicely” to this type of behaviour. If you need to say NO and walk away, do so - confident in the knowledge that you do not need this type of individual in your life.

Those who have respect for themselves and each other will not force your hand when you say “No.” They will understand your hesitance straight away and stop pushing. Once you have met such an individual, you can begin relaxing your firm “No” policy, as they have earned your respect.

In the workplace, your employer and work colleagues may make regular demands of you. You have an obligation to meet demands. However, do not say “YES” straight away, instead introduce some resistance. Here’s an example:

“Samantha, can you write up a progress report for the new project?”

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy this morning. Can you ask me again in the afternoon?”

Even at your work, you need to avoid becoming the “YES” person in your office. You are better off in a position of respect, than a position of workhorse. Ultimately, you will say YES. It’s your job. If you have trouble saying NO, other colleagues will soon find out, and will not flinch when it comes to asking you to take on extra work. Your goal is to have their respect, and increase your value in their eyes. The value of a “NO” should never be underestimated.

No excuses

When another individual demands your time, money or resources, learn to decline without explanation. Of course, this is only reserved for individuals that you have recently met. Our goal is to make clear that we are the kind of person who is in control of his/her environment, and not the other way around.

To illustrate, assume you have a friend who frequently has an “alibi” or excuse for why he/she cannot attend your parties. With excuse after excuse, we can determine that this person:

a) Does not want to attend our parties, but has difficulty saying NO.

or

b) Has no control over their schedule, and is instead controlled by it. He/she is unable to cancel or reschedule, and is at the mercy of others.

Both of these alternatives are devaluing. So avoid making excuses when you can. Yes, it does soften a firm “NO”, but it takes away your value just the same. Instead of succumbing to elaborate excuses, try:

“No thanks. I just want a quite night at home.”

or

“Thanks, but I don’t feel up to that.”

or

“No. I don’t feel like it. I’m just going to relax tonight.”

Just speak your mind, and you will be respected for it. There is no shame in saying “No” and leaving it at that.

Making yourself too available

Your time is your most precious asset. Before giving it away, be sure you communicate the value of your time to others.

If you are always available, reachable by phone, returning e-mails straight away, and without hesitation make plans on any evening - your time is worth nothing to others. If you don’t think so, I will share an experience that may make you think otherwise.

In my early college years, I met a striking girl through friends and exchanged numbers. We spoke for a week. Anytime she called, I had made time to answer (even if I was quite busy). When it came to dinner arrangements, I changed my schedule to cater for her own. She rescheduled twice, and I said “Sure, that’s fine.” On the night of our first “date” she arrived an hour and a half late. I was long gone by then.

The phone call that evening really opened my eyes. She called and asked:

“Where were you?”

I replied, “I was there by 7, and left at about 7:30.”

“Why didn’t you wait for me?”

“I already waited for half an hour. What on earth makes you think I’m going to wait any longer?”, I asked.

“You always seem to have spare time. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

There was my “aha!” moment. Once you can get past the sheer arrogance of that last statement, the lesson is invaluable: If you don’t value your time, no one else will.

Rules for your time

If another individual wants a moment of your time, communicate the “rules” you have with regard to appointments. This extends beyond romance, into friendships and co-worker relationships. Do *not* make yourself so easily available to others, and make them understand how important your time is to you.

If you receive a phone call from a new co-worker/friend/romantic interest, answer with:

“Hi Jody, I’m a little preoccupied at the moment. I’ll call you back in about 10 minutes.”

When you do call back, start the conversation with:

“Jody. I can only talk for a few minutes… How are you?”

This may seem manipulative, but it is simply to communicate that you are not always available. You need to control “who” gets your time, and “when” they get it.

When asked:

“Are you free Monday?”

Even if you are free, don’t reply with: “Yes!”. Instead, try:

“I’m quite busy Monday, Tuesday would be better for me.”

or

“I have a full schedule on Monday. I’ll confirm my appointments, and call you back if something opens up on that evening.”

Be specific down to the hour (even if you do not plan to adhere to it):

“I will need to make some calls at home later in the evening, so we’ll meet between 6:30 and 9:30.”

Always end with:

“Call me ahead of time if you’re going to be more than a few minutes late.”

During the appointment, if the other party is more than 15 minutes late without calling ahead of time. Simply leave. If they refuse to adhere to your simple rules for time, then they do not deserve it. They will be frustrated when they arrive, but will be more punctual the next time they want to meet with you.

We all have a friend in our lives who is consistently late in meeting with us. Early in our friendship, we allowed them to do this over and over without recourse. As a result, they are comfortable in making us wait. Do not set a precedent for this behaviour, be strict about the rules regarding your time. You have a limited supply, so don’t let others waste it.

Oh I’m sorry. I think you’ve mistaken my kindness for weakness.

Every word in this article has been written to even out the playing field between good-natured people, and those that use and abuse them. In reality, almost everyone is good-natured, but depending on your background, family, and environment - some people are wired to take advantage of others.

Be kind, but not weak. Not a single line in this article makes you an unkind individual - it just makes you street savvy. Kindness is a lot like money: other people want yours, and you can spend it wisely or unwisely.

To be respected is more important than being liked. The beautiful thing about life is that you can earn respect while being likeable - but it needs to come in that order. Some readers may fear that the contents of this article may push some friends away, but you need to ask yourself about the calibre of the people you want in your life.

Certainly, a friend who calls you only when they need a lift or money will recoil when you say “NO” after many years of saying “YES”. Is this really someone that you would be in fear of alienating? Would they really care if you dropped dead in the morning?

Many times in my existence, I wanted to blame others for their rudeness, annoying persistence and demanding natures. Ultimately, I discovered that I am responsible for the way I let others treat me. The people in my life now know my boundaries, they respect me for those boundaries, and understand that they will benefit from the full nature of my kindness as long as they do not cross those lines.

Genuine friendships and romances will survive the very simple test-course you have laid out for yourself and your time. Women, men, co-workers, employers, school friends, they all want the same thing: To be surrounded by people they respect and look up to. So if you truly want to be kind to others, then you owe it to yourself and your friends to be this person.

Thank you so much reading. I very much hope that some of the experiences in this article will add to your quality of life. It is quite long, but contains the advice I will pass on to my children, and I hope that you share it with your friends and children too.

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