Handling Insults: With some of your own
28 05 2008
Throughout my good life, I have both received and dealt my good share of insults. Many times, this has been an amusing interaction between my friends and I. However, sharing of insults has not been limited to friends.
In my professional life, I have received plenty of personal insults, often times in front of other employees. Turning the table on these people resulted in some of the most memorable moments in my life as a business person.
This article will be light hearted, but it will give me a chance to share my thoughts on how to receive insults, and how to deal them out. There is some strong language in this article, and I recommend that parents first review it before passing it onto their kids.
Why did someone insult me?
More often than not, insults are delivered publicly. There is a good reason for this. An insult made in confidence between two people only hurts the recipient, whereas an insult made in public can be a platform for attention for the aggressor. You are merely a stepping stone to laughs, dominance and respect for the aggressor.
I often compare real life to school. I will stop making this comparison when professionals stop acting like children. In school, a verbal bully may peak in a classroom of children. However, if the same bully walks past you later in the day on his/her own, they will usually walk past without uttering a word. It’s all about the audience. The intention to hurt you is far outweighed by the praises of other people who are laughing at your expense.
As an office worker, you may have also witnessed a public lashing. Aggressors thrive on our need to be respected by others, and will attack the very fibre that connects us to colleagues. The most common symptom of bullying in the office is the disconnect suffered by the victim from others.
Don’t get trigger happy.
Before proceeding with the remainder of this article, I want to share the importance of recognising playful insults. There is an immense divide between receiving a cheeky comment, and a hard-hitting derogatory insult.
I will never forget an incident involving a young recruit named David. It was his second week as a Technical Consultant. David got into an altercation with one of the Business Analysts. She was slightly obese. She made a playful remark about him not listening to her, to which he responded:
“It’s hard to understand you when you’re always stuffing your face with food.”
He then looked around at the rest of us, to see if we were laughing. We were not. Returning an insult is a worthwhile goal, but only if there is an “insult” to handle. Once a complaint was filed, David argued that it was simply a “come-back”. The rule is simple, if you are uncertain as to whether or not a comment is an insult, do not respond to it in an aggressive manner.
Silence is not your friend
Growing up, I was always told to “ignore” insults, not to respond. I personally found this advice to be ineffective in a group environment. Rather than ignore the retort, I disconnect from it - I don’t take it personally. Though I still offer a response, even if it is a smile and a shrug of the shoulders - to indicate that I couldn’t care less.
In front of work colleagues, I think it’s important to make an example of people who try to step on you. In a meeting, if somebody says:
“The work was given to Brian. Of course it’s not done. What did you expect?”
Brian would only admit to this insult if he sat in silence and ignored it. I feel that the long lived advice of “If somebody insults you, just ignore them” is both unrealistic and ineffective. The aim should be to reduce the impact of the insult, by reducing the aggressor in the eyes of his/her peers.
Reducing the Aggressor
By lowering the perceived intelligence and value of an aggressor, you will effectively reduce the value of anything exiting the aggressor’s mouth.
Tony, a colleague of mine and a good friend, was on the receiving end of an indirect insult in an important meeting. Tony always kept his eyes open, and perceived common patterns of individuals who will likely confront him in the future. He had perceived that Craig (his aggressor) had a habit of shooting down ideas, and questioning the qualification and intellect of others.
Craig was not his boss, but simply a peer at the same level. During the meeting, his aggressor leant into the table and said:
“Tony. I’m not all that happy with this. This company hires professionals, and even though other’s may like your work, I have a higher expectation of what I consider ‘professional’. I don’t like it. I feel like we hired some kid out of school to do this.”
This was said in a meeting with 15 of Tony’s peers, including myself and his project manager.
Expressionless, Tony simply said:
“Can I get a quick show of hands? How many people here have received a compliment on their work from Craig in the last six months?”
No hands were raised.
“How many people received a negative comment regarding their work?”
Half of the table raised their hands.
“How many people felt that the negative comment was justified in some way?”
No more hands were left raised.
Tony then looked Craig right in the eyes and very politely said:
“Craig. There is clearly a pattern here. I would normally respect your opinion, but it seems you are impossible to please. You’re flattering yourself if you think that your feedback will be taken onboard.”
Needless to say I didn’t need coffee to stay awake at this meeting. By reducing Craig down to a negative-Nancy, he effectively reduced the impact of the insult. By identifying a common pattern, Tony turned the tables on his aggressor. Craig was attempting to portray the image of seniority, in hopes that he would be promoted to a lead role or a manager. By going about this in an aggressive way, he opened himself up to a brilliant attack.
“Never insult an alligator until you’ve crossed the river.”
- Cordell Hull
Tony was my hero that day. Needless to say, he wouldn’t always engage an aggressor in this manner. With a wife, two children and a mortgage, he would never enter into a battle of wits with his boss. Sometimes, personal agenda and survival have to come first.
If your direct manager hands down an insult, there are ways to deal with this too. If an insult is handed down in front of your peers, I would start with:
“Did you just insult me?”
The manager will be very careful about how he/she proceeds after this statement. If the response is “Yes”, it will massively undermine their professional conduct. The answer to this question is almost always “No.” In fact, I have used this statement each and every time I was in front of my peers, and couldn’t think of something witty to say to an aggressor.
Professionals (especially those who fear Human Resources and the occasional law suit) would be incredibly stupid to respond “Yes” to this question. This is a statement clarifying their intent, and can land someone in hot water.
I also recommend:
“Are you trying to be funny at my expense?”
Aggressors like attention, but not this kind of attention. Everyone hates a bully, and you’re implying (without retort) that they are engaging in bullying behaviour. Any laughs they attempt to generate from this moment forth will have a cloud of inappropriateness.
Loaded Words
Another technique for dealing with aggressors is to use “loaded words” in your response. This technique will only be effective in front others. Our goal is to mirror the aggressor’s behaviour with labels that we all dislike. Loaded words have a strong emotional context, and we want to associate these words with our aggressor.
For example, if your aggressor insults you directly in front of your peers at work, you can simply respond with:
“That’s what the world needs… another bully.”
The word “bully” is heavily loaded with negative connotations. All of your peers will have at one time or another been the victim of a bully, and have a strong emotional response due to their childhood experiences. By labelling your aggressor as a bully, you are alienating the bully from their audience.
Furthermore, the “bullying” is a dismissible offence at the work place, and it serves as a good reminder to your aggressor.
Other loaded phrases include: pushy, aggressive, power hungry, sneaky, underhanded, pest, impulsive and reckless. We can use these words to trigger emotions in our audience. These techniques have been used in marketing, newspapers and political propaganda for many years.
Remember that our focus is not on our aggressor, but the audience they are playing to. The best way to disarm any opponent is to turn their audience against them. Strong impacting put-downs quickly turn into petty remarks made by petty people. Your goal is to make your peers recognise the petty nature of your aggressor. The first insult then becomes irrelevant.
From a Cub to a Tiger
There will be moments in your life when you should give yourself the pleasure of taking an aggressor on at his/her game. Billy Idol said it best:
“I love it when someone insults me. That means that I don’t have to be nice anymore. ”
Socially, we are taught to be civil. If somebody insults you without reason, they have forfeited their right to a civil resolution. I hold no quarrels about taking an aggressor head on.
If bad behaviour goes unpunished, it manifests itself again and again. Unfortunately, ignorant parenting yields rude children. It may be up to you to educate these kids when they get older. You’ll certainly be doing the world a favour.
Just remember that human beings derive their value based on the opinion of others. The most punishing lessons are learnt when we make mistakes in front of other people. Publicly shame your aggressor so that the lesson sinks in deep.
I would love to tell you that all people are kind, you just need to approach them nicely. This is not how life works. Some people have to get their fingers burnt before they learn not to touch the oven.
The Man on the Train
After leaving work late one evening, I was commuting home on the evening train. There was a thin, bald man in his mid-thirties standing in the train by the doorway.
Two teenage boys (around 17 years of age) walked in, and one of them bumped into the gentleman. The teenage boy, turned to him and yelled:
“Watch it you f*ckin’ f*ggot!”
The train was packed. The audience was huge. Everybody turned to look.
The man asked:
“What did you say to me?”
“I called you a f*ckin f*ggot baldy. Go f*ck yourself.”
Unexpectedly, the man said:
“Before calling me a f*ggot, who is the one travelling with a boyfriend?”
There was a good chuckle by the bystanders.
“Go f*ck yourself. You skinny bald f*ggot.” The teenager repeated loudly.
“God. They wasted a good ass putting teeth in that mouth.”
The laughter of bystanders grew.
“You bald f*ck.”
“Listen kid, if I want any crap out of you, I’ll squeeze your head.”
By now, everyone was laughing (myself included). The kid got so angry, he started crying.
“I’ll find you and stab you, you bald f*ggot.”
“Not much of a threat from a cry baby. You want a f*cking lesson, come here and I’ll teach it to you.”
As laughter ensued, the teenager continued to cry until they reached the next stop. His friend was also chuckling. A few people cheered as the two boys exited the carriage.
During this exchange, I did fear for the well-being of this man. This altercation could have escalated violently. However, the man came across so confident, that these boys would have thought twice before attempting something physical.
In verbal exchanges such as this, I am used to seeing both parties flustered, and red in the face with anger. This man was calm, and continued his journey as if nothing had transpired. As I was exiting, he opened the train door for me. I said:
“My friend, you have more balls than a farm full of bulls.”
He replied,
“Idiots like that are everywhere. If parents refuse to teach their kids right and wrong, people like you and I have to do it for them.”
As I left, I said:
“Well you certainly know your way around humiliating someone.”
“It’s the only lesson they understand.” He replied.
Know your limit
In any altercation with an aggressor, you must remind yourself NEVER to comment on his/her race (including accent), religion, gender or sexuality. If your goal is to turn the audience against the aggressor, you will shoot yourself in the foot if you focus on any of these details.
Instead, focus on lack of intelligence and class. This is especially important in a corporate setting. I know of a private contractor who was dismissed immediately after bringing up the sexuality of a co-worker during a retort, even though he was the original victim of verbal bullying.
As tempting as a retort may be, you must be level headed. No come-back is worth losing your job over. At this point, some of you may think that I’m being insensitive. You may be thinking: “Forget losing your job, it is simply immoral to bring up gender, race or sexuality.” Actually, it’s not immoral at all - they have already forfeited their right for a civil exchange when they began the insult. I have all the respect in the world for people of different races, genders, religions and sexuality - but that respect will fly out the window the moment a person gets in my face. Staying within the lines is strictly for our self preservation, and is not out of consideration for our opponent.
I also suggest staying away from physical attributes, such as obesity, size of nose, ears, or any other physical factors. Comments regarding appearance will only cheapen your image to the opponent and your peers.
Finally, if the opponent apologises after the altercation, you will have a much higher chance of a peaceful resolution if you have stayed within the lines. Comments about the size of somebody’s nose cannot be taken back later. Nor, as I found the hard way, calling a very short businessman: “McNugget”.
Some phrases to remember
We have all had the experience of coming up with a brilliant “come-back” an hour after the altercation has finished. For this reason, I highly recommend you commit a few phrases to memory.
I have often called on a few of these phrases in response to insults. The speed with which you deliver these to your opponent (in front of others) will give the illusion of quick thinking on your feet.
They are not perfect, but certainly better than sitting in silence - feverishly thinking of something clever to say. These may not be suitable in every environment. So please use them as you see fit:
- You’re flattering yourself if you think I give a sh*t.
- Are you depriving a village somewhere of an idiot?
- (My favourite, turn to your peers and say:) This guy is difficult to ignore, but well worth the effort.
- Who employed this muppet?
- (If somebody harshly insults your work in front of others:) I would look at it from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.
Like water off a duck’s back
The methods discussed in this article focus mainly on humiliating your opponent in front of their peers, to reduce the impact of verbal insults. I have also found that a focus on subtle humiliation helps to deflect my mind from the insult itself.
It is a fact. People will use us as stepping stones throughout our lives. However, we must not dwell on hurtful words. Insults are like seeds in our minds. These seeds will only grow if we nurture them.
In my early University years, a close friend of mine was on the receiving end of an unjustified insult. When he asked a girl in our group out for dinner, she replied:
“No way, you’re creepy.”
I told him she was just being rude. He dwelled on this for a long time. He became obsessed with not coming across as “creepy”. His confidence and self worth were shattered by a single insult. She planted the seed, and he watered it.
I would like to leave you now with a well known tale from the life of Buddha. Some of you may already know it, but it is worth telling for those who haven’t heard it.
Buddha was travelling with one of his disciples. During his travel, they got into an altercation with a man who began insulting Buddha relentlessly. This man claimed that Buddha was a fake, a con man. Buddha remained calm while his disciple fumed. After the incident, Buddha’s disciple asked him why he wasn’t angry after receiving all that abuse. Buddha said:
“If someone offers you a gift, and you refuse to accept it, to which person does the gift belong?”
Humorous. Gritty. and slightly offensive.
This is why I love your articles!
love it! And could be very useful… People sometimes are really childish, just like you said. I do agree with all the “no no” (gender, race, physical attributes…): if you are mentioning them, you already lost the battle.
Thank you. Fun to read and quite useful.
I’m going to have to remember that one!
Very entertaining and highly informative article. You seem to write quite a bit, how long does it take you??
@TheRaff
Honestly, it takes me about a week to remember all of the experiences pertaining to a topic, and anywhere between 3 to 6 hours planning and writing.
I do worry sometimes that the posts are too long for most people. Yet, people take the time out to visit the site, and I don’t want to short-change my guests.
Please let me know if you are happy with the format folks. After all, I am writing this for you (… and my children).
Fantastic article. I just wish I was sometimes quicker off the mark in an argument
——-
http://twilkins.net
Brilliant, Down-To-Earth, and actually useful, unlike most of the bullsh*t I see in blogs.
Keep stuff like this coming. I’ve read all of your articles.
Typo:
For example, if you’re aggressor insults you
@TobyWuk
We all feel that way. No matter how intelligent, or witty, it is difficult to come up with something clever in situations when we’re confronted. Rather than saying something funny, we usually want to punch the idiot in the face.
That said, it’s always good to commit a few insults to memory - not only can it substitute for a clever insult, but it can also buy you time. I’m a big fan of stand up comedy, and observing the way comedians handle hecklers has definitely helped me sharpen my wit.
@Andrew Morris
Thank you sincerely for your kind words Andrew. This is one of my pet peeves. I have little tolerance for blogs that exist purely to create ad revenue, and offer zero content.
For example, one early morning, my wife found an article pertaining to sleeping well. The advice offered was abismal, with tips like:
4. Close your eyes
5. Stretch your legs if they’re uncomfortable
etc…
Why does the author bother? I personally find it patronising when authors speak to readers like they’re idiots.
When starting this blog, I told my wife that I wanted this site to be something different. I am glad that you recognize it.
@Andrew R.
Thanks for picking up that Andrew. Two rounds of proofreading, and I didn’t catch it!!
speaking of “two,” “two teen age boys…”
not trying to be a smart ass here, my english sucks doo doo. but thought i owe it to you as a reader to mention it.
anyways, don’t fret. i look forward to reading your articles and i’m actually disappointed when i see the end to it. and in that sense i’d say it’s perfect in length because it leaves the audience craving for more: more stories, more wise sayings, more useful advice, more “no bs” talk.
you’re doing fine, man. keep it up.
@James
Cheers James! I’ve fixed the typo. Glad to have you as a reader, and looking forward to writing plenty more
Two rounds of proofreading, eh? That’s very commendable, but all in vain when you skip the learn some basic grammar step.
These two — both under “The Man on the Train” — are pretty embarrassing, even if you’re a native speaker:
No offence meant, naturally.
Anyway, I really liked your article, although I don’t think you’re doing your readers a favour with such “phrases to remember”. They range from lame to, predomintantly, flat out retarded (seriously, “Jetonha Uruhiley”?). Plus, more importantly, I think the majority people fall into one of exactly two categories — those who come up with good, original responses befitting the situation at hand, and those who will botch canned retorts.
Regarding the “strong language” in your article. I’m fairly sure most kids will have a wee-wee in their pants seeing what words you censored; but I can see how some parents might throw a hissy fit over them, and whatever floats your boat anyway and so on, etc. But what really kind of rubs me the wrong way is the word “faggot”. Not that I think you should censor it, far from it, especially if it’s just a quote anyway, though to see how you’re anal retentively garble quite harmless, everyday words but let this one, solely pejoratively used, stand, seems quite insulting to me.
@Finix
Thanks for pointing out the errors in grammar - I have fixed these errors. My casual writing style sometimes leads to errors like this, and perhaps I should no longer rely on a simple spellcheck.
Actually, I thought quite a lot about whether or not I should censor anything in this article at all, given the earlier warning about strong language.
Also, I meant for the article to be light-hearted. Being on the receiving end of an idiot with an agenda is not really a fun topic, and I wanted these phrases to lighten things up a little bit.
I found this article from a link on Reddit and I just bookmarked your page. What a great, helpful article in a sea of nonsense blogs. I’ll definitely be visiting your page again. Great job Jay.
No need to justify yourself, everybody makes mistakes. And it’s not like it’s the end of the world anyway, is it? I just find it rather jarring if people mix up single-syllable homophones used a … trillion times a day; pet peeve of mine.
By the way, did you let someone else proofread it? Chances are, after going over it once in concentrated fashion, you’ll either just really don’t know it, or, often enough and irksome to the max, silently auto-correct or otherwise keep overlooking your mistakes.
As for the censoring, as I said: it’s your blog, you can do whatever pleases you, and, depending on the desired audience, it might even be understandable, laughable as it is. But you must admit that it does seem quite bizarre. On the one hand, being politically correct adorning nasty words, which do seem blunt even in the rare event they’re used with intent to insult or shock, with asterisks — achieving anything but rendering them irrecognizable –, on the other, letting the real hate stand. Again, it’s not so much the uncensored “faggot” itself, it’s the uncensored “faggot” in light of eradicating other stuff supposedly offensive.
And sorry if I appear to focus on the few negative bits. I’m no native speaker, so I tend to have problems expressing myself diplomatically [1]. Really liked your article, as stated already, and I shall even endeavour to heed the part of your advice.
That said, I still don’t like your phrases one bit.
Oh, and it’s “finix” please, no Capitals for me thank you very much (-:
[1] Just kidding. Many Germans think I’m an arrogant prick, too.
[…] shame inside,that’s why they have to pull you down. This fellow has given a lot of thought to how to handle insults in the workplace. Some of it is a bit aggressive, and he warns you about it, but some of it is exactly the right […]
Um, Mr. “finix”; isn’t it a bit hypocritical to tell someone off about the basic grammer and then say “Oh, and it’s “finix” please, no Capitals for me thank you very much.”
A name will always take a capital, the word capital should not have a capital, your sentence doesn’t end with any proper punctuation and nearly all teachers i have said to avoid putting a comma after or before the word “and”. (I know that isnt technically a grammer point, but hey, who cares?)
But for me, I welcome the grammer mistakes, even the spelling ones.
The stuff here is written by a human, not a robot.
Or so he claims……….
On a seperate note.
Would you really call what you did with those curse-words “censoring”?
Anyone who knows the word will recognise “f*ck” or “f*ggot”.
People who dont (probably only little kids) wouldnt know the word without the asterix inserted. If i wrote that you were a *****, that is effective censoring. If i did ****e, there it is again.
Can you guess what I called you now?
And isnt “crap” considered a curse-word? It is where I live.
cool, I just learned how to not be insensitive in an argument.
Ah, I love this post, Jay.
Also, another thing my friend does when he receives an insult is to simply say “explain!” The aggressor is often left not knowing what to say.
Great post - down to earth and well written.
It made my monday morning nicer
You just gave me weapons and ammunition to fight the battle in the war of corporate politics, thank you
@Finix;
“though to see how you’re anal retentively garble quite harmless, everyday words but let this one, solely pejoratively used, stand, seems quite insulting to me.”
That whole segment is just a mess, ‘grammatically speaking’.
I think you need to go back to school before trying to lecture somebody from such a low vantage point.
Please keep your negative comments to yourself, they have no place here.
Brilliant Article Jay. Loved every part of it. I keep looking forward to your articles!
Great article! I’ve had HSW bookmarked for a couple of years, and always start my net sessions here (followed by the AARP jigsaw puzzle), although my true home is physicsforums.com, but I’ve never read one of these before.
Gotta tell you about one from when I was tending bar in a cowboy joint. This guy was being a total idiot, verbally but not physically. I said to him, with an adoring smile, “You, sir, are a true misanthropic troglodite.” His face lit up, he said, “Hey, thanks man!”, and shook hands with me.
My other favoured approach is to say to someone who puts me down, “You’re overlooking the single most significant consideration here.” “What’s that?” “The fact that your opinion is of absolutely no consequence.”
That was great! That teen boy story on the train was awesome. Any other stories?
Brilliant article! And don’t worry about them being too long - I have to restrain myself from jumping ahead to read the ending!
If you ever need a proof reader, just drop me a line - I’m the sad guy who spotted the trailing space at the start of a paragraph somewhere deep in our company’s website…
Fantastic article Jay, I love the story about the man on the train. I thought your article was brilliant grammatically, and you talked about the issues that people wanted to read. We can all, most definitely, benefit from the advice given here!
Please keep on writing articles, as they are truly great!
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cool article and it definitely gives a good understanding on insults and how to handle them. the practical tips are really good.
i read this after the frustration of dealing with a colleague at a seminar. This person achieved masterful insults by ignoring my comments and questionning my concerns by tone of voice and implied analysis of my concerns as some sort of mental health issue-”and then maybe you’ll feel more comfortable?My response was possibly a bit full on but you seem to imply you don’t need to justify your responses Can you comment please Bye.Sandy.
Love your comments and your thoughts and your comebacks..Just wondering if you have a comeback for a boss when you are chronically ill (ashtma) which they KNEW when they transferred me to this position, that I never know when it will hit or how long it will last (day to possibly out for weeks) and when I go to her..that I need to go to the doctor now so i can make it maybe a one day out rather than weeks if i wait..and i get the eye rolling and the hhuhhhh breathe…and then the well if you think that is what you need to do..what do you have to do yet..this is when i am wheezing, having trouble talking and still i have to deal with her attitude. What can I do to stop it? Thank you for any help.
good article. I understand how some situations can seem like were back in high school. All high school is sometimes is an intensified, hormonally driven lesson in sociology.
well written though. leaving out the bs. knowing that the next paragraph isn’t just going to repeat itself makes the reading worth while. you gotta compile these articles into a book good sir.
Scrollin’ ’round the net and came across your site. Great article Jay! Thoughtful and some great responses.
Recently at work, our IT consultant went into extreme anxiety about storing company data offsite for security purposes. I am not joking when I say this - he actually drew me a picture!! while haranguing me of how to turn off & unplug an external HD, switch with a new one and then store the original HD offsite for security purposes. DUH! I’ve been doing minor computer troubleshooting in my jobs for 10+ yrs. Needless to say, I found it quite condescending to stand there, be lectured and given a hand-drawn picture as if I were some 2 yr. old. I try my best to be ‘Buddha’ in these situations, remain calm and roll my eyeballs in private, but there are times tho’ when it becomes necessary AND IMPORTANT to stand up for oneself.
Why am I so steamed by all of this?? Because it was done in front of a co-worker. I wish I’d come up with some witty, clever comment to put IT man in his place. IT man has recently been hired by our company and my job requires me to liaise with him several times a week. I need to confront this situation head on, so there’s no repeat of this childish and patronizing behaviour. Any thoughts or comebacks?
Jay, Ive come across this site by accident. But its definitely going up on my “must read blogs” list.
Thanks for taking the time
Hey,
Thank you.
The article was very helpful. “You’re flattering yourself if you think I give a sh*t”, and “Are you trying to be funny at my expense” and “that’s just what the world needs….another bully”, I’ll remember these.
I have been a favorite victim of bullies, both as a child in school and as an adult in the office. It has an effect on me until now that I still remember the hurful words and embarrassment I experienced.