Jay Morrissey

Security: The Leaky Umbrella of Life

2008-10-05T06:32:24Z

I frequently frustrate my friends and family over discussions of “security“. Throughout my life, I have been the recipient of advice that includes:

What if your business doesn’t work out? You won’t be able to re-enter the working market that easily.

House prices are going up everyday. If you miss out, you won’t be able to afford a place to live in the future.

Rent prices are crazy. People are auctioning to get into rented apartments and homes. Without a regular full-time salary, there is no way you will be considered for tenancy.

How are you going to support your kids?

Going into business is nuts! What if a difficult customer sues you?

Most businesses fail within their first year, why take the risk?

In truth, these are all partially accurate pieces of advice. However, every single one of these concerns is rooted in fear. When the fears of others are at the driving seat, are you really living for yourself?

Living in Plan-B

Growing up, we all have two plans: Plan-A and Plan-B. Plan-A is the life we want, and Plan-B is the contingency. At an early age, we are usually convinced by other people that Plan A-is unrealistic at the moment, and we should work on our fallback: Plan-B.

For me, Plan A was all about having control of my day. As a teenager, I would play basketball for hours everyday. I would feel the sun on my skin and think about the day (and dozens of beautiful girls). I figured, there is always time for work later in the evening.

On a beautiful day, thousands of people are stuck in office cubicles. With fluorescent lights, and monitor tans. I did not want this for myself. I wanted to freelance, work with my hands, or run a business that allows me the freedom to work my own hours. It wasn’t about the money. It was all about sunshine. This was my Plan A.

And then Plan B happened…

Approaching the end of my secondary education, I studied adamantly to qualify for a high-value course in University. I was told by friends and family that life is expensive, and only “professionals” can get ahead.

I studied in a double-major. Again, the idea was that if one of my majors doesn’t work out, I could qualify for work in the other. I called this: The Plan-B of Plan-B.

Toward the completion of my degrees, my colleagues were applying for full time office work. I thought to myself: “Surely my Plan-B has a solid foundation. A double-degree in two highly perceived value industries… I can always fall back on this if times get tough!”

Not so.

After re-evaluating and discussing my Plan-A with loved ones, I was informed that:

“You need to work as a professional for at least a few years, so that you can have a job to come back to if things go sour. Besides, without any contacts or networks - you will not be able to make money out on your own.”

I agreed. It made sense. Years later, Plan-A was washed away with almost a decade of rain. I no longer had two Plans. I was living Plan-B.

While commuting to work one day, I found a basketball court close to our office block. At lunch times, I would change out of my monkey suit and play basketball on my own. I would gather my thoughts, and feel the sunshine. It reminded me of my teenage years… and then my Plan A.

Every few minutes, I would look at the time - so as not to offend my employer if I arrived back late. With each passing minute, I was closer to saying farewell to the sunshine. My life was governed by others, and whether or not I was productive, they wanted to see that I was seated at my desk.

On one sunny day, I got tired of looking at my watch. I got tired of only having one hour to enjoy the daylight. I was a human being, but felt like my life was run on other people’s schedules and ideologies.

I came home that day, and spoke with my wife. By cutting down on luxuries, we could focus on the way we live rather than what we have. She can work fewer hours, and I can focus on getting Plan-A into effect. I said good-bye to my job, farewell to dining out, and adios to our nicely located apartment.

I told Plan-B to fuck off.

The Worst Case Scenario

As a sensible young adult, all sorts of fearful questions plagued my mind. I had so many “What ifs” floating around in my head, I don’t know how I managed to chop lettuce without amputating my left hand.

What if I run out of money?

What if I can’t make the rent?

What if I get fired?

What if the economy turns sour?

What if I miss out on buying a house?

What if the cost of living goes up faster than my salary?

In reality, all of these things have happened to me. In the pursuit of Plan-A, I have been broke and even lived in my car for a short time. To make things easier, I asked my wife to move back in with her parents temporarily. It was an experience I am glad to have had - because it really wasn’t that bad. Looking back, it was like a small adventure, and one that has made me appreciate small luxuries.

Life throws curve balls at you all the time. This uncertainty is what makes life interesting. It is the hardship, the stories, the camaraderie and the eventual bouncing back that creates those lasting memories.

I have lived through what most middle-income families would consider their “worst case scenario“, and I can definitely think of cases much worse. Let me put it simply, if you are alive and are not poverty stricken - your “worst-case scenario” is another person’s dream come true.

Security breeds more Insecurity

The need for security extends beyond work to our homes. Home-owners consider themselves to be more secure than renters. They have “locked-in” a house at a particular price, and attempt to pay the mortgage in regular intervals.

The need to own your own home is the product of years of advice by previous home owners (who likely purchased their homes at a more affordable rate) and millions of dollars spent in advertising, contributed by banks and real estate agents worldwide.

The need for stability, and the fear of “missing out” on your claim to land has an interesting effect. It ends up putting the home-owner in the most insecure position of all: owing money to a bank. The fear of missing out on a home transforms into the fear of losing your home.

Thousands of people travelling to work everyday to partake in jobs they would otherwise leave, had it not been for the threat of foreclosure.

You trade the hours of your day-to-day life for the sake of security, and end up feeling just as insecure. If you miss out on enough of those monthly payments, you can say good-bye to your home.

The point I am trying to make is not an argument against home ownership. Renters also suffer the same dilemma. In fact, I am merely pointing out that security is an illusion, there is no such thing.

Advertising agencies for Banks and Insurance companies show us lovely images of people under “Umbrellas” protected from a rainy day. Real estate agents push the idea that “now is the time to buy” and “don’t miss out on your dream home”. These forms of messages are self-serving, and in reality offer you the same protection as a wooly jumper in a gun fight.

In the workplace of my dreams, 500 highly skilled employees were recently sacked, and their jobs were outsourced to India. My brother saw dozens of his work colleagues lose their jobs due to “corporate restructuring”. The security of having a full time job transforms into the insecurity of handing over your livelihood to an employer, maintaining a single source of income, and the possibility of losing your job.

Every year, thousands of college and University students enter into majors that may be out of demand by the time they graduate. The influx of new graduates further dilutes the demand, reducing the pay rates for these jobs - and puts the ageing workforce at risk.

Education and employment only increase our “perception” of security while adding no security whatsoever.

Ultimately, we have:

No Security

and

Limited Time

So why waste one, on the other? If you will achieve no real security in any path you take, then why not take the path that brings you, at the very least, fulfilment.

What about the children?

Whenever I bring up the topic of financial security and stability with friends, someone will almost always bring up “children“:

“What about children? Kids need a stable environment. They need a nice home.”

I say:

“No. What kids need is more time to spend with their parents. If you ask any child whether they could have a bigger house, or spend more time with mummy or daddy - what do you think their response will be?”

Most adults have about 18 to 20 years to spend with their children before they move out of home. In an effort to secure a great house at a good location, and a family sedan to compliment it - parents are leaving young children in day care. I am happy to kiss security good-bye, so long as I can kiss the forehead of my child when he knocks his head for the first time.

I told my wife that I want to be able to work from home, so that I can help her raise our children - instead of coming home from the office long after they are asleep. My kids may not be the wealthiest in the school, but they are rich with my time. If they ever ask me why we do not own a BMW, I will happily explain.

I understand that financial hardship may be difficult, especially when you want the best for your children. However, I refuse to believe that children prioritise quality footwear over time with their parents.

Kids are resilient, and their ability to adapt to change is often discredited. If children can cross the boundaries of countries, learn new languages and adapt to foster parents, it stands to reason that they can also cope with your Plan-As.

As a child, I could sense when my parents were stressed or unhappy. If you are living in your Plan-B, you may not be the only one in your home to recognise its effects.

Stability is over-rated

If you have lived the majority of your life in a safe, secure environment: congratulations - I look forward to seeing you on a Harley Davidson as you ride that mid-life crisis into the sunset.

In our society, we over-emphasise the importance of security and stability. If you take a look at the types of cover offered by Insurance Brokers, our obsession with security becomes evident.

We are so safe in our modern culture, that any event that introduces uncertainty affects us. We even see cases of suicide and severe depression resulting from workplace down-sizing.

People, like you and I, trapped in jobs they hate to secure a home they love. The very things they own, end up owning them.

So often I hear: “What if you miss out on buying a home?” I think, “What if I spend twenty years worrying about how I’m going to pay it off? What if I miss out on living my life the way I want to live it?”

There is no security. There are no “What ifs..”. There is you, and a clock that counts backwards until there is no more you. None of us escapes death, and you should do all that you can - while you can.

I may not be able to leave a big house for my children, but I will leave them with something more important: my time, our memories, and the lesson of pursuing Plan A.

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Handling Insults: With some of your own

2008-05-28T23:34:32Z

Throughout my good life, I have both received and dealt my good share of insults. Many times, this has been an amusing interaction between my friends and I. However, sharing of insults has not been limited to friends.

In my professional life, I have received plenty of personal insults, often times in front of other employees. Turning the table on these people resulted in some of the most memorable moments in my life as a business person.

This article will be light hearted, but it will give me a chance to share my thoughts on how to receive insults, and how to deal them out. There is some strong language in this article, and I recommend that parents first review it before passing it onto their kids.

Why did someone insult me?

More often than not, insults are delivered publicly. There is a good reason for this. An insult made in confidence between two people only hurts the recipient, whereas an insult made in public can be a platform for attention for the aggressor. You are merely a stepping stone to laughs, dominance and respect for the aggressor.

I often compare real life to school. I will stop making this comparison when professionals stop acting like children. In school, a verbal bully may peak in a classroom of children. However, if the same bully walks past you later in the day on his/her own, they will usually walk past without uttering a word. It’s all about the audience. The intention to hurt you is far outweighed by the praises of other people who are laughing at your expense.

As an office worker, you may have also witnessed a public lashing. Aggressors thrive on our need to be respected by others, and will attack the very fibre that connects us to colleagues. The most common symptom of bullying in the office is the disconnect suffered by the victim from others.

Don’t get trigger happy.

Before proceeding with the remainder of this article, I want to share the importance of recognising playful insults. There is an immense divide between receiving a cheeky comment, and a hard-hitting derogatory insult.

I will never forget an incident involving a young recruit named David. It was his second week as a Technical Consultant. David got into an altercation with one of the Business Analysts. She was slightly obese. She made a playful remark about him not listening to her, to which he responded:

“It’s hard to understand you when you’re always stuffing your face with food.”

He then looked around at the rest of us, to see if we were laughing. We were not. Returning an insult is a worthwhile goal, but only if there is an “insult” to handle. Once a complaint was filed, David argued that it was simply a “come-back”. The rule is simple, if you are uncertain as to whether or not a comment is an insult, do not respond to it in an aggressive manner.

Silence is not your friend

Growing up, I was always told to “ignore” insults, not to respond. I personally found this advice to be ineffective in a group environment. Rather than ignore the retort, I disconnect from it - I don’t take it personally. Though I still offer a response, even if it is a smile and a shrug of the shoulders - to indicate that I couldn’t care less.

In front of work colleagues, I think it’s important to make an example of people who try to step on you. In a meeting, if somebody says:

“The work was given to Brian. Of course it’s not done. What did you expect?”

Brian would only admit to this insult if he sat in silence and ignored it. I feel that the long lived advice of “If somebody insults you, just ignore them” is both unrealistic and ineffective. The aim should be to reduce the impact of the insult, by reducing the aggressor in the eyes of his/her peers.

Reducing the Aggressor

By lowering the perceived intelligence and value of an aggressor, you will effectively reduce the value of anything exiting the aggressor’s mouth.

Tony, a colleague of mine and a good friend, was on the receiving end of an indirect insult in an important meeting. Tony always kept his eyes open, and perceived common patterns of individuals who will likely confront him in the future. He had perceived that Craig (his aggressor) had a habit of shooting down ideas, and questioning the qualification and intellect of others.

Craig was not his boss, but simply a peer at the same level. During the meeting, his aggressor leant into the table and said:

“Tony. I’m not all that happy with this. This company hires professionals, and even though other’s may like your work, I have a higher expectation of what I consider ‘professional’. I don’t like it. I feel like we hired some kid out of school to do this.”

This was said in a meeting with 15 of Tony’s peers, including myself and his project manager.

Expressionless, Tony simply said:

“Can I get a quick show of hands? How many people here have received a compliment on their work from Craig in the last six months?”

No hands were raised.

“How many people received a negative comment regarding their work?”

Half of the table raised their hands.

“How many people felt that the negative comment was justified in some way?”

No more hands were left raised.

Tony then looked Craig right in the eyes and very politely said:

“Craig. There is clearly a pattern here. I would normally respect your opinion, but it seems you are impossible to please. You’re flattering yourself if you think that your feedback will be taken onboard.”

Needless to say I didn’t need coffee to stay awake at this meeting. By reducing Craig down to a negative-Nancy, he effectively reduced the impact of the insult. By identifying a common pattern, Tony turned the tables on his aggressor. Craig was attempting to portray the image of seniority, in hopes that he would be promoted to a lead role or a manager. By going about this in an aggressive way, he opened himself up to a brilliant attack.

“Never insult an alligator until you’ve crossed the river.”

- Cordell Hull

Tony was my hero that day. Needless to say, he wouldn’t always engage an aggressor in this manner. With a wife, two children and a mortgage, he would never enter into a battle of wits with his boss. Sometimes, personal agenda and survival have to come first.

If your direct manager hands down an insult, there are ways to deal with this too. If an insult is handed down in front of your peers, I would start with:

“Did you just insult me?”

The manager will be very careful about how he/she proceeds after this statement. If the response is “Yes”, it will massively undermine their professional conduct. The answer to this question is almost always “No.” In fact, I have used this statement each and every time I was in front of my peers, and couldn’t think of something witty to say to an aggressor.

Professionals (especially those who fear Human Resources and the occasional law suit) would be incredibly stupid to respond “Yes” to this question. This is a statement clarifying their intent, and can land someone in hot water.

I also recommend:

“Are you trying to be funny at my expense?”

Aggressors like attention, but not this kind of attention. Everyone hates a bully, and you’re implying (without retort) that they are engaging in bullying behaviour. Any laughs they attempt to generate from this moment forth will have a cloud of inappropriateness.

Loaded Words

Another technique for dealing with aggressors is to use “loaded words” in your response. This technique will only be effective in front others. Our goal is to mirror the aggressor’s behaviour with labels that we all dislike. Loaded words have a strong emotional context, and we want to associate these words with our aggressor.

For example, if your aggressor insults you directly in front of your peers at work, you can simply respond with:

“That’s what the world needs… another bully.”

The word “bully” is heavily loaded with negative connotations. All of your peers will have at one time or another been the victim of a bully, and have a strong emotional response due to their childhood experiences. By labelling your aggressor as a bully, you are alienating the bully from their audience.

Furthermore, the “bullying” is a dismissible offence at the work place, and it serves as a good reminder to your aggressor.

Other loaded phrases include: pushy, aggressive, power hungry, sneaky, underhanded, pest, impulsive and reckless. We can use these words to trigger emotions in our audience. These techniques have been used in marketing, newspapers and political propaganda for many years.

Remember that our focus is not on our aggressor, but the audience they are playing to. The best way to disarm any opponent is to turn their audience against them. Strong impacting put-downs quickly turn into petty remarks made by petty people. Your goal is to make your peers recognise the petty nature of your aggressor. The first insult then becomes irrelevant.

From a Cub to a Tiger

There will be moments in your life when you should give yourself the pleasure of taking an aggressor on at his/her game. Billy Idol said it best:

“I love it when someone insults me. That means that I don’t have to be nice anymore. ”

Socially, we are taught to be civil. If somebody insults you without reason, they have forfeited their right to a civil resolution. I hold no quarrels about taking an aggressor head on.

If bad behaviour goes unpunished, it manifests itself again and again. Unfortunately, ignorant parenting yields rude children. It may be up to you to educate these kids when they get older. You’ll certainly be doing the world a favour.

Just remember that human beings derive their value based on the opinion of others. The most punishing lessons are learnt when we make mistakes in front of other people. Publicly shame your aggressor so that the lesson sinks in deep.

I would love to tell you that all people are kind, you just need to approach them nicely. This is not how life works. Some people have to get their fingers burnt before they learn not to touch the oven.

The Man on the Train

After leaving work late one evening, I was commuting home on the evening train. There was a thin, bald man in his mid-thirties standing in the train by the doorway.

Two teenage boys (around 17 years of age) walked in, and one of them bumped into the gentleman. The teenage boy, turned to him and yelled:

“Watch it you f*ckin’ f*ggot!”

The train was packed. The audience was huge. Everybody turned to look.

The man asked:

“What did you say to me?”

“I called you a f*ckin f*ggot baldy. Go f*ck yourself.”

Unexpectedly, the man said:

“Before calling me a f*ggot, who is the one travelling with a boyfriend?”

There was a good chuckle by the bystanders.

“Go f*ck yourself. You skinny bald f*ggot.” The teenager repeated loudly.

“God. They wasted a good ass putting teeth in that mouth.”

The laughter of bystanders grew.

“You bald f*ck.”

“Listen kid, if I want any crap out of you, I’ll squeeze your head.”

By now, everyone was laughing (myself included). The kid got so angry, he started crying.

“I’ll find you and stab you, you bald f*ggot.”

“Not much of a threat from a cry baby. You want a f*cking lesson, come here and I’ll teach it to you.”

As laughter ensued, the teenager continued to cry until they reached the next stop. His friend was also chuckling. A few people cheered as the two boys exited the carriage.

During this exchange, I did fear for the well-being of this man. This altercation could have escalated violently. However, the man came across so confident, that these boys would have thought twice before attempting something physical.

In verbal exchanges such as this, I am used to seeing both parties flustered, and red in the face with anger. This man was calm, and continued his journey as if nothing had transpired. As I was exiting, he opened the train door for me. I said:

“My friend, you have more balls than a farm full of bulls.”

He replied,

“Idiots like that are everywhere. If parents refuse to teach their kids right and wrong, people like you and I have to do it for them.”

As I left, I said:

“Well you certainly know your way around humiliating someone.”

“It’s the only lesson they understand.” He replied.

Know your limit

In any altercation with an aggressor, you must remind yourself NEVER to comment on his/her race (including accent), religion, gender or sexuality. If your goal is to turn the audience against the aggressor, you will shoot yourself in the foot if you focus on any of these details.

Instead, focus on lack of intelligence and class. This is especially important in a corporate setting. I know of a private contractor who was dismissed immediately after bringing up the sexuality of a co-worker during a retort, even though he was the original victim of verbal bullying.

As tempting as a retort may be, you must be level headed. No come-back is worth losing your job over. At this point, some of you may think that I’m being insensitive. You may be thinking: “Forget losing your job, it is simply immoral to bring up gender, race or sexuality.” Actually, it’s not immoral at all - they have already forfeited their right for a civil exchange when they began the insult. I have all the respect in the world for people of different races, genders, religions and sexuality - but that respect will fly out the window the moment a person gets in my face. Staying within the lines is strictly for our self preservation, and is not out of consideration for our opponent.

I also suggest staying away from physical attributes, such as obesity, size of nose, ears, or any other physical factors. Comments regarding appearance will only cheapen your image to the opponent and your peers.

Finally, if the opponent apologises after the altercation, you will have a much higher chance of a peaceful resolution if you have stayed within the lines. Comments about the size of somebody’s nose cannot be taken back later. Nor, as I found the hard way, calling a very short businessman: “McNugget”.

Some phrases to remember

We have all had the experience of coming up with a brilliant “come-back” an hour after the altercation has finished. For this reason, I highly recommend you commit a few phrases to memory.

I have often called on a few of these phrases in response to insults. The speed with which you deliver these to your opponent (in front of others) will give the illusion of quick thinking on your feet.

They are not perfect, but certainly better than sitting in silence - feverishly thinking of something clever to say. These may not be suitable in every environment. So please use them as you see fit:

- You’re flattering yourself if you think I give a sh*t.

- Are you depriving a village somewhere of an idiot?

- (My favourite, turn to your peers and say:) This guy is difficult to ignore, but well worth the effort.

- Who employed this muppet?

- (If somebody harshly insults your work in front of others:) I would look at it from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.

Like water off a duck’s back

The methods discussed in this article focus mainly on humiliating your opponent in front of their peers, to reduce the impact of verbal insults. I have also found that a focus on subtle humiliation helps to deflect my mind from the insult itself.

It is a fact. People will use us as stepping stones throughout our lives. However, we must not dwell on hurtful words. Insults are like seeds in our minds. These seeds will only grow if we nurture them.

In my early University years, a close friend of mine was on the receiving end of an unjustified insult. When he asked a girl in our group out for dinner, she replied:

“No way, you’re creepy.”

I told him she was just being rude. He dwelled on this for a long time. He became obsessed with not coming across as “creepy”. His confidence and self worth were shattered by a single insult. She planted the seed, and he watered it.

I would like to leave you now with a well known tale from the life of Buddha. Some of you may already know it, but it is worth telling for those who haven’t heard it.

Buddha was travelling with one of his disciples. During his travel, they got into an altercation with a man who began insulting Buddha relentlessly. This man claimed that Buddha was a fake, a con man. Buddha remained calm while his disciple fumed. After the incident, Buddha’s disciple asked him why he wasn’t angry after receiving all that abuse. Buddha said:

“If someone offers you a gift, and you refuse to accept it, to which person does the gift belong?”

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Self Help: The Elusive Pursuit of Perfection

2008-05-12T02:24:51Z

I am not a fan of self-help. This must sound strange coming from a person who writes articles pertaining to issues of self. Though I intend for the site to be a dialogue of advice rather than a source for unnecessary personal development. This site is like the friend you hang out with at the bar after 2 am, not a self-help guru at a seminar.

I will never “change your life in 4 easy steps”, nor will you “become a better person” just by reading my articles. I believe life is more complicated than that. “4 easy steps” is great for cooking a recipe, but falls short in analysing the complexity of our life.

That said, I have read many books that have made a lasting impact on my life. With these words, I do not wish to discount the power of good advice. I simply want to make the point that the lessons you learn in life will always trump those you read in a book.

What a wonderful world

Many years ago, a friend of mine dedicated himself to read one self-help book each week. When I asked him what type of books he was reading, he replied “Anything and everything.” Needless to say, I was impressed by his dedication and constructive use of his spare time. I asked him, “Why are you reading all of these books?”

He replied, “To become a better person.”

As an avid reader myself, I nodded in agreement, but found myself pondering:

“What makes a person better?”

If I cannot speak in public, and then read about public speaking skills, am I now a better person? Is the pursuit of perfection a worthy goal?

The Pursuit of Perfection

In my youth, my older brother, now a stupendously successful individual in his field, caught me reading a self-help book. From memory, it was a book by Anthony Robbins. Passing by, he said:

“Why are you reading that garbage?”

In my defense, I said:

“It’ll help me overcome any shortcomings I may have.”

Walking away, he replied:

“Shortcomings are what make people interesting. If you were perfect, you wouldn’t be you.”

He was right. A year later, I brought up the topic of self help with him, to which he gave his opinion:

“Imagine if everyone dedicated themselves to self-help, the pursuit of perfection. If everybody achieved the goal of being perfect, the world would be so boring! We would all follow the same rules, take the same steps and value the same goals.”

He continued, “Imperfections account for almost every memorable moment in my life. Every funny story I share with a friend is a result of acting inappropriately to a given situation. Misjudgement and error are what makes us human. I live to enjoy life more, not to add more guidelines to live by. Life is more fun without the pressure to be perfect.”

I share his opinion with you because he is somebody who is happy, wealthy and successful without reading a single self-help book. He is living proof that perfection (and the pursuit of perfection) is entirely unnecessary to live a complete and fulfilling life. He elaborated:

“While the rest of the world reads about life, I’m out there living it. You can either read about negotiation, or start negotiating. Life’s too short to read about it.”

Real growth happens from doing, not from reading

If you are anything like me, you’ve read dozens of books with hundreds of ideas. None of which you have ever taken action on or implemented. This is made worse by the almost unlimited information available covering any topic you wish to explore.

As an example, I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine named Eli. I have known Eli for over 10 years. When I first met him, he was an avid reader of personal finance books. He was quite sure that in a few years, he would be actively trading the stock-market for a living.

Ten years has passed. He still has not purchased a single stock. He is still reading books about money management and technical analysis, but has replaced action with information.

Eli is not an isolated case. In fact I have also been guilty of inaction. I can remember many times in my life when I read something of true value, but never formed the advice into a habit. I was comfortable reading, but not doing. I convinced myself that reading was “good enough”.

Today, I’m quite a different person. I read less and do more. I try to figure out the “steps” myself from each human interaction. As children, we learned to play sports by picking up a ball and throwing it into a hoop or kicking it. Do you remember reading about kicking a ball? Of course not, you just went out there and did it.

Self-help material can be misused into making us feel secure in our inaction. By reading, we excuse ourselves from doing. Reading about public speaking is quite different to standing in front of 400 people. It is more comfortable to read about it then to physically put yourself out there for judgement.

Life is full of lessons. We might think to ourselves, “Why not learn from the experience of someone else?” In truth, you will never truly learn a lesson until you’ve made your own mistakes. Besides, mistakes build character. These articles would be so dull if they weren’t filled with pages of my own mistakes.

Just like Eli, you will find that no matter how much you have read on a topic:

There is always one more book

Eli has spent the last 10 years without purchasing a single stock because there is always another book he needs to read first. With thousands of finance books on shelves and hundreds of new books released every year, Eli will likely go to his grave with the mind of a billionaire and a portfolio of a peanut.

You will never know everything there is to know about anything. A hundred books on parenting will still leave you unprepared for children. A hundred books about investing will not prepare you for investing your life savings. The divide between advice and experience is far, and we must fill this divide with our own experiences. Reading another book cannot fill this gap.

Self help, or Employer-Help?

This may be limited to my experience, however I have found that the majority of employers I have worked for strongly encourage employees to read personal development books. During my early job interviews, employers would sometimes ask me if I read personal development books. I would proudly say yes. A particular employer even had a library of self-help books that employees were encouraged to take home.

I thought this was a generous offering from our employer, but changed my tune a few weeks later. After reading through several titles (by self-help giants like Brian Tracy), I found a common pattern emerging in these books.

The pattern was: Work harder. Get to work earlier. Leave work later. Always go the extra mile. Manage your time better. Squeeze more work into your day. In your spare time, read more about your field.

Of course, this was blended with subtlety, but the message was clear. It dawned on me why employers are quick to encourage “personal growth”. Though this looks more like “employer-help” than “self-help” to me. The purpose of this pattern is simple:

“Make work your life”

How is this “personal growth”? Sure, your salary may increase. However, if you throw away all of your spare time with the only goal of acquiring more money, then you have not grown at all.

Hidden Agenda

Over the years, I have become increasingly critical of individuals who charge thousands for personal growth advice. Self-help books have become a stepping stone for authors to promote expensive seminars. By offering little in knowledge and plenty of promises, readers are convinced that the answers will be revealed in Book 2 or Seminar 1.

This is never the case. If an author cannot deliver meaningful and actionable advice in a single book, then you should be sceptical of the author’s knowledge and method of delivery.

I have seen authors use words like “Intermediate”, “Ultimate”, “Advanced” and “Mastery” to run multiple seminars that offer little more information than what is contained in the book. Individuals who walk out of an Intermediate seminar will be convinced that the answers will be revealed in the “Advanced” course.

Nowadays, I turn to the last page of a personal-development book first. If I see a mention of an expensive seminar, or the words “Advanced” and “Mastery”, I simply put the book back on the shelf. Authors who have something of value are happy enough to share it with you. Anyone who has read a Dale Carnegie book will know that he has poured his soul into his writings to the benefit of readers.

I recommend readers stay away from books in which the author has an agenda of selling seminars. You will likely get no answers in the book. It is a 200 page sales pitch.

Self-Helpaholics

Have you ever met somebody who took self-help too far? They read a book, and began acting it out in real life. I can safely say that self-help is directly responsible for some of the most disingenuous individuals I have encountered.

One such individual was a man named Matthew. His resume was forwarded to me before he joined my team. The pages of the resume made a few clear mentions of “self-development”, “self-help” and “personal growth”. In fact, he mentioned that he recently completed several books on “Communication”.

On his first day, he introduced himself. Shook my hand and held a strong stare into my eyes for 15 (very creepy) seconds. He used my name at the start of every sentence. What’s more, he had “Googled” my name and several others in the team. By checking into our background, he tried to build rapport using details he had obtained from search engines. This created some very awkward conversation.

He turned to me and said, “Jay. I am familiar with your University research. Tell me more about it.” I politely told him that I had very little more to add. He then turned to my colleague and said: “Adrian, I know you were an actor in a production in Vancouver. Tell me more about it.” The look on Adrian’s face was priceless.

Almost everything Matthew did and said, he had clearly learned from self-help books. It was impossible to take him seriously. Not only was he completely oblivious to how disingenuous he came across, these books turned him into a corporate moron.

He ran into his first conflict within 2 days of employment. The following day, he was proudly showcasing two Conflict Resolution books right next to his computer. I asked him if he had sorted things out with the other employee, to which he responded:

“I care about my fellow worker. I’m going to read through these to ensure we reach an outcome that satisfies both parties.” I was speechless. He spoke like a robot awaiting its next instruction. He failed to understand that human interaction is a natural process, not a formula that requires days of study. Within 2 weeks, Matthew was the victim of numerous bullying incidents. Self-help, like any addiction, caused him to suffer isolation from his fellows. He was eventually discharged from our team, and placed in a cubicle at hour head-office to write documentation in isolation.

I would like to share an amusing experience from an old friend of mine, Dessie. At the age of 26, Dessie was a young attractive female on the hunt for the perfect man. She met a young gentlemen at a party and they exchanged numbers. The following week, they had their first, and only date.

During dinner, the young man spoke almost continually about his goals and his determination to achieve them. As they approached his car, he opened the trunk to reveal two dozen self help books. He picked 6 of them out of his trunk, handed them to Dessie, and said:

“Before our next date, I need you to read these.”

She took the books and lowered them back into his trunk. She replied:

“I’m not reading all of this!”

“From what I gathered in our conversation, there are a few areas in your life that you can improve upon. You need to develop your skills and confidence in the areas covered by these books. Our relationship will be better for it.”

She laughed. She wrongfully thought he was joking. He wasn’t. When she told me this story, I couldn’t believe it. Yet, I personally know a few people who are not far from acting in this manner. His intentions were to help her, but those who have buried themselves in the land of personal-development books forget that some people don’t want help. They like who they are, and who they are not.

If you are showing signs of becoming a self-helpaholic, perhaps it is time to walk past the bookstore and fight the urge not to walk in.

Self-Help or Self-Involved

Personal development, is in itself a selfish pursuit. Our goal is to focus solely on ourselves, to make us feel better. Of course, we all know that the best way to help the “self” is to help others. In fact, we often judge the value of others by what they are able to contribute to those in need. A poor man who breaks his bread to share with another is infinitely dearer in our eyes, than a successful businessperson.

The improvement of self oddly comes about when we are helping everyone else. The focus of self is a common technique used in Advertising. By telling us that we are the most important person (hence focussing on the self), we are more likely to purchase a given product. Self-help gurus focus on our selfish desire to be the “best”. We want to be “smarter”, “funnier” and “richer” than the rest, and they promise to tell us how to do it.

True personal growth comes about when a human acts selflessly. In my youth, my brother said:

“Imagine if everyone dedicated themselves to self-help, the pursuit of perfection. If everybody achieved the goal of being perfect, the world would be so boring!”

Ultimately, this statement would sound quite different if everyone focussed on the helping of others. Think about it. “Imagine if everyone dedicated themselves to helping others.”

Some of the finest books I have read focussed on contribution to society, rather than focus of self. These books became the standard to which I hold myself to today.

Experience. The best self-help book there is.

Although the bulk of the article focussed on some of the negative aspects of self-help, there are also many positive aspects. My goal has not been to demean the role of personal growth in our society, but simply to become more critical of the role it plays in our lives. Great people have achieved greatness long before the “self-help” section opened up in bookstores. Relationships had blossomed long before “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus” was released.

The ability to learn from experiences are already built into our function. We simply need to get out there and learn the lessons of life through our own chances and mistakes. There is no shame in reading self-help books, as long as we know why we are reading them. It is pointless looking for answers if you have no questions.

If there is something you need to do, just do it. Eli, my stock-trading friend (with no portfolio) will always find more information to excuse him from taking action. Every single one of the articles I have written are a culmination of experience in human interaction, I have found “experience” to be the best teacher in any given topic.

This is a controversial topic, and I am curious to see how you feel about it. It is difficult to find authors with genuine interest in helping others, so I would love for people to leave suggestions of their favourite self-help book/author.

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Corporate Jargon: Please. Can you speak like a human being?

2008-05-02T05:57:51Z

For many years, I have worked in large organisations. I believe I could easily write a list of corporate “mumbo jumbo” to fill several pages of a book. Why people feel the need to use “big meaningless words”, I will never understand.

Some years ago, I was involved in a small client meeting. My job was to gather the requirements of a project so that I can pass it onto our development team. Two very sharply dressed gentlemen entered the meeting room. I was told by a senior manager that they can be a little intimidating.

As I withdrew a binder from my briefcase, one of the gentlemen began talking. From what I recall, this was his opening statement:

“Our mission objective with this project is to strategically unify our critical core competencies, leveraging the online medium to facilitate this transformation.”

I sat back. I closed my eyes for a few seconds. I opened up my binder, and simply wrote: “Bullsh*t”.

I turned my binder to show him what I wrote, and asked him if I understood him correctly. From reading the expression on his face, I hadn’t. I then wrote:

“We want to make money with the internet.” Turned the binder back towards him, and said:

“Is this what you want to do?”

The second gentlemen began to chuckle. The human-thesaurus however was not amused. He said:

“If you can’t conduct yourself professionally, than perhaps you are not the person we should be talking to.”

I replied, “I’m sorry, but I cannot *professionally* do my job if you continue to speak like that.”

What makes someone so oblivious to the abuse of their own language? Language is about graceful and pleasant communication. Yet, it has been hijacked as a tool to inflate one’s own ego.

This week, I received an e-mail from a gentleman who carries a fear of communicating, because he is not fluent with the English language. How ironic that I find many foreigners easier to understand than fluent locals. The purpose of language is to communicate ideas from one person to another, a lesson well learned by those who cannot speak comfortably.

Many of my students are international, and quite often they apologise for their lack of fluency in English. After so many years of hearing corporate garbage, I find it refreshing to hear such a “pure and direct” use of the English language. International students simply say what they need to, they effectively get their point across.

It’s Everywhere!

Starting out as a techie, I heard my fair share of technical buzzwords. People would speak in 3 or 4 letter acronyms, use technical language that took longer to describe something than simply using layman’s terms.

I once worked in a team with a consultant who would abbreviate almost everything, but would then spend extra time telling you what the abbreviation stands for. Why?

To make matters worse, he would use technical terms that very few people are familiar with, and when asked what it means, he would respond with:

“Oh. I thought we were all on the same page here. It means… “

In meetings, he would use a buzzword, and smile for a few seconds looking around the room. Yes… we are all impressed… (you git). A timid lady that regularly sat in our meetings once leaned into my ear and said “I just want to punch him in the face when he does that stupid smile.”

Here is my point: You may think to yourself,

“Boy. I sound pretty darn fantastic when I talk. These people will really be impressed once they hear what I have to say.”

Your audience is thinking:

“What a dipsh*t.”

I have experienced the “curse of the buzzword” in almost every industry I have been in. As an educator, I have even witnessed other University teachers inflating their own egos at the expense of communicating ideas to students.

Simple, direct, and honest communication is no more inferior than extravagant sentences put together by scrabble winners. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Direct communication achieves its purpose with efficiency.

Never in a presentation was I ever told: “You made that sound too simple. Can you use a few big words and some corporate buzzwords to make it sound better?”

The Burden Is On You

When communicating, whether in person or over e-mail, the burden of misunderstanding is on the communicator. If your audience does not understand you, than you need to change the way you communicate.

In the example above, the consultant in our team would purposefully cause misunderstandings to inflate his own ego. By forcing a question, he would have the opportunity to “explain it” to you. With a strong grasp of the English language, this person offers little to no value in human communication.

When he asked for feedback in his annual review, I commented that “a dog scratching a door communicates his needs far better than you do.”

I may be wrong, but I feel that the most intelligent people can explain difficult concepts in a manner almost everyone can understand. In contrast, buzzwords and jargon are reserved for insecure egotists.

Don’t let it sneak up on you

A close friend of mine was working in the financial sector for two years, before he adopted the phrase “interface”. After hearing it so many times, it became a part of his buzzword vocabulary. It caught up to him, and he didn’t even know it!

On a sunny Saturday, I called him at his office (he often worked weekends). When he answered the phone, I asked:

“Hey mate, are you free for lunch in about 10 minutes?”

“I am interfacing with a client at the moment.”

“You’re having sex?”, I asked. I then heard a woman laughing in the background.

“No I’m just in a meeting, and you’re on speaker.”

“I see, so you’re interfacing with her?”, I asked.

“Yes.”

“You’re talking to her?”, I asked.

“Yes.”

“Ah I see. I’m going to go and interface with someone else who doesn’t use the word ‘interface’.”

Please. Speak like a human being.

My purpose is not to ridicule. It is not to stunt our personal growth and pursue a better use of the English language. It is simply to be mindful of “why” you are talking in such a manner.

There is a point of diminishing returns. After reaching fluency in any language, there is a point beyond which you’re communication becomes worthless. Rather than trying too hard, focus on your audience, whether this is one person or a million.

As teenagers abuse the thesaurus on their home computers, adults bloat simple communication to appear wiser. Words like “strategy and synergy” have been thrown around so much that they no longer hold any meaning.

I will leave you with one final, but memorable story about a board meeting that regularly brings a smile on my face. My project manager and I were mere spectators to a verbal death-match between two managers. After half an hour, my project manager stepped in, held up a chart and said:

“Is this what you’re saying?”

To which one of the managers replied:

“I’m not saying that’s what I’m saying. I’m saying: I don’t know what I’m saying.”

…Such is the life of today’s corporate verbal junkie.

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My Sincerest Apologies

2008-05-02T05:52:07Z

To the hundreds of people who have logged in daily to find nothing new on the site, please accept my sincerest apologies. It is marking season, and I had been backlogged with marking essays, presentations and assignments from many students.

Even though I teach part-time, it can sometimes occupy every waking minute! This has kept me from passionately spending my time, sharing thoughts and experiences with all of you.

As a token of my appreciation for your patience, I will also be releasing a new post today.

Thank you all for your feedback. The tough time of the year is over, so I can get back to my regular writing schedule.

With gratitude,

Jay

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Respect: Is Kindness Your Weakness?

2008-03-09T00:27:25Z

Growing up, I was very lucky to have such selfless parents. Their kindness extended beyond family, to friends, neighbours and work colleagues. My brother and I were taught to treat everybody with respect, kindness and with a nature of giving.

With a heart of gold, I approached my schooling age - an environment that would attempt to abuse, use and crush “kindness” to a pulp. Unfortunately, this is not isolated to young school kids. I found that through all of my years, phases, stages and careers - there were a seemingly endless supply of individuals who would prey on kindness, or act with disrespect simply because they think you are “too nice.”

School: Lessons outside the classroom

Into my third year of secondary education, I taught my self to cover my heart of gold with a rough exterior. I disliked myself for this. To leave my personality at home before coming to school was not an easy task. One evening, I forced myself to look for an alternative. I wanted to be respected for who I truly was, and not for the charade I had to put on every day.

I paid a significant amount of attention in high school, though I directed this attention towards human nature more than arithmetic. Rather than focussing on the “popular”, I was more interested in the “respected.” There was one particular child who had the respect of the majority without sacrificing his schooling for the role of “class clown.” His name was Anthony.

Anthony was kind, giving and approachable. Yet he was treated differently than other kids possessing these qualities. He was not bullied, was not used, was not an easy target for a verbal exchange, and he never had to use his knuckles. To make things even more complicated, Anthony was slightly chubby and shorter than most of the other kids. As unbelievable as it seems, the popular kids respected him and at times would seek his approval.

Little did I know that the lessons I would learn from this small boy would shape my adult life. Over the course of a few months, Anthony and I became friends. We spoke for only minutes a day, and our discussions were isolated in the confines of our shared classes.

As awkward as it was, I remember asking him for the first time: “How come people don’t mess with you?”.

I cannot remember his response verbatim, so I will do my best to recreate it.

“Why would they?”, he asked.

“Because you’re a nice guy. ‘Nice’ doesn’t play well at school.”

“I’m nice to many, and a prick to few.”

“But how do you know who to treat well? They’re all just faces when you first meet them.”

“Most people are nice, few people are not. I don’t know which is which, so I make everyone earn my respect regardless of their kindness.”

He continued, “Anytime I meet someone, I give them a chance. I’m not excessively kind, and I am not overly harsh - I am indifferent. In my next encounter, I will either distance myself further, or bring myself closer depending on the previous encounter. Rather than being nice all the time, I make kindness conditional on their own behaviour. They have to earn it.”

Anthony went on to explain that he learned this lesson from his recently deceased father, an Italian immigrant. Anthony’s mother explained that his father was often taken for granted by friends, co-workers and even family. He walked with an open heart, an open mind and an open wallet. Often, he let others take him for granted, still acting in kindness.

When he became terminally ill, his “friends” didn’t bother to visit. By using himself as an example, he taught Anthony that respect is more important than friendship. He didn’t want his son to be a vehicle for other people’s agenda - to be discarded and not thought about until the next time he was needed.

I have carried this sad story in my mind throughout the years, the message is simple: Respect is more important than friendship.

You the taker. I the giver.

If you are a naturally warm hearted individual, you will likely try to make friends through school, college, University and in your career. We can all agree that the best way to befriend someone is to be kind and giving. You may be kind to everyone that you know, regardless of how badly they treat you.

The problem with “Friendship” is that it can quickly become a one-way experience. A single party becomes a giver, and the other becomes a taker. Once a precedent has been set, the other party has a continued expectation for you to give.

Even as an adult, I have found that if I take some co-workers out to lunch (and pay on their behalf), they no longer attempt to pay anymore. One particular co-worker even passed the bill onto me and walked out of the restaurant, leaving me to pay as he headed back to his office. Needless to say, we had quite a chat when I caught up with him.

As a kind fellow, I thought I had many friends. Though, were they really “friends”, or just people who call me when they need something? If you are wondering the validity of friendship in your life, ask yourself: “If I died today, would he/she really care?”. The answer is usually a depressing: NO.

Let me put it this way:

Most people care more about what they’re going to have for dinner, than they do about your entire existence.

My goal is not to demean the value of friendships, but to illustrate the nature of giver-taker friendships. Always acting in kindness in our modern culture will ensure a plentiful of these meaningless friendships that end when you have nothing else to give.

Respect & Self-Value

Aim for respect, always. Make other’s work to obtain your respect and approval. Don’t give it away for free.

To illustrate my point, imagine yourself walking into a car dealership. You are looking at two vehicles that you know nothing about - you are trying to decide which is the better car. The salesman walks over to you and immediately gives you a discount on one of them. He then volunteers half a dozen extras to make it an even better buy. Before you have a chance to open your mouth, he then cuts the price even more. What’s going through your mind?

“There must be something wrong with this car. Clearly, the other one is of higher value or he wouldn’t be pushing this one on me.”

We do this all the time. We sell ourselves in this manner. We give things away, make ourselves too available, are too nice, and pay for others. Like the salesman who thinks they’re helping the customer get a bargain, we think we’re giving our friends a bargain. The result though is that we have just devalued ourselves.

Being mindful of this effect, we can immediately recall moments in our lives when being “too nice” has led to playing the “underdog” role in friendship, in romance, and in the work place.

If you have a giving nature, you owe yourself and our society to be in a position of power. Yet, this will never happen if you don’t learn the mistakes of your past, and start demanding respect. With respect, you can continue to be a giving person, but others will be cautious to take advantage.

Like training a puppy

The best time to “teach” others to treat you with respect is when you first meet. Granted, there are ways to transform long-term giver-taker friendships, but its always preferable to remove the leech before it begins to feed.

The following points may seem a little harsh, but in truth, they are vital to developing the true “reciprocal” relationships that nurture respect. We are not treating someone with disrespect, merely making them recognise our self value. Whether the other party has a kind nature, or an agenda to use you as a stepping stone, these techniques will ensure that your line will not be crossed.

Just say NO

Say NO early and often to demands. You will change this over time, but early in your friendships and romances, it is healthy to simply say NO to demands. Just like Anthony, you are making the other party earn the right to make demands of you. Once they have earned it, and have shown a quality of character that you approve of, then you can say YES at your own discretion.

When saying “no”, it is all about delivery. I don’t want you to deliver a very soft NO, with an excuse to try to water down the awkwardness. Just a good old fashioned “No.” You don’t need to justify yourself to others, so do not set a precedent in which you need to make excuses when you don’t want to, or cannot deliver a request. An example of this exchange would be:

“Andrew, what are you doing on Saturday?”

“Nothing. I’m relaxing.”

“Oh good, can you keep me company at the mechanic? My car will be in service for a couple of hours.”

“Sorry, no. I just relax on Saturdays at home.”

“It will only be for a couple of hours.”

“Yeah I know. But, no thanks. I should get back to work.”

This exchange may seem uncomfortable. You may think Andrew is being a tad harsh. However, the other party has inquired about Andrew’s availability before describing the request, in order to remove the chance of an excuse. Furthermore, Andrew was again pushed to change his mind when he has already said “No.” If Andrew was to be soft with this request, the other party would likely be making further and frequent requests from him without hesitation.

If another individual brings you to the point when a rude NO is necessary, this is likely to be the person who usually assumes the role of taker in the giver-taker relationship. Do not feel obliged to “act nicely” to this type of behaviour. If you need to say NO and walk away, do so - confident in the knowledge that you do not need this type of individual in your life.

Those who have respect for themselves and each other will not force your hand when you say “No.” They will understand your hesitance straight away and stop pushing. Once you have met such an individual, you can begin relaxing your firm “No” policy, as they have earned your respect.

In the workplace, your employer and work colleagues may make regular demands of you. You have an obligation to meet demands. However, do not say “YES” straight away, instead introduce some resistance. Here’s an example:

“Samantha, can you write up a progress report for the new project?”

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy this morning. Can you ask me again in the afternoon?”

Even at your work, you need to avoid becoming the “YES” person in your office. You are better off in a position of respect, than a position of workhorse. Ultimately, you will say YES. It’s your job. If you have trouble saying NO, other colleagues will soon find out, and will not flinch when it comes to asking you to take on extra work. Your goal is to have their respect, and increase your value in their eyes. The value of a “NO” should never be underestimated.

No excuses

When another individual demands your time, money or resources, learn to decline without explanation. Of course, this is only reserved for individuals that you have recently met. Our goal is to make clear that we are the kind of person who is in control of his/her environment, and not the other way around.

To illustrate, assume you have a friend who frequently has an “alibi” or excuse for why he/she cannot attend your parties. With excuse after excuse, we can determine that this person:

a) Does not want to attend our parties, but has difficulty saying NO.

or

b) Has no control over their schedule, and is instead controlled by it. He/she is unable to cancel or reschedule, and is at the mercy of others.

Both of these alternatives are devaluing. So avoid making excuses when you can. Yes, it does soften a firm “NO”, but it takes away your value just the same. Instead of succumbing to elaborate excuses, try:

“No thanks. I just want a quite night at home.”

or

“Thanks, but I don’t feel up to that.”

or

“No. I don’t feel like it. I’m just going to relax tonight.”

Just speak your mind, and you will be respected for it. There is no shame in saying “No” and leaving it at that.

Making yourself too available

Your time is your most precious asset. Before giving it away, be sure you communicate the value of your time to others.

If you are always available, reachable by phone, returning e-mails straight away, and without hesitation make plans on any evening - your time is worth nothing to others. If you don’t think so, I will share an experience that may make you think otherwise.

In my early college years, I met a striking girl through friends and exchanged numbers. We spoke for a week. Anytime she called, I had made time to answer (even if I was quite busy). When it came to dinner arrangements, I changed my schedule to cater for her own. She rescheduled twice, and I said “Sure, that’s fine.” On the night of our first “date” she arrived an hour and a half late. I was long gone by then.

The phone call that evening really opened my eyes. She called and asked:

“Where were you?”

I replied, “I was there by 7, and left at about 7:30.”

“Why didn’t you wait for me?”

“I already waited for half an hour. What on earth makes you think I’m going to wait any longer?”, I asked.

“You always seem to have spare time. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

There was my “aha!” moment. Once you can get past the sheer arrogance of that last statement, the lesson is invaluable: If you don’t value your time, no one else will.

Rules for your time

If another individual wants a moment of your time, communicate the “rules” you have with regard to appointments. This extends beyond romance, into friendships and co-worker relationships. Do *not* make yourself so easily available to others, and make them understand how important your time is to you.

If you receive a phone call from a new co-worker/friend/romantic interest, answer with:

“Hi Jody, I’m a little preoccupied at the moment. I’ll call you back in about 10 minutes.”

When you do call back, start the conversation with:

“Jody. I can only talk for a few minutes… How are you?”

This may seem manipulative, but it is simply to communicate that you are not always available. You need to control “who” gets your time, and “when” they get it.

When asked:

“Are you free Monday?”

Even if you are free, don’t reply with: “Yes!”. Instead, try:

“I’m quite busy Monday, Tuesday would be better for me.”

or

“I have a full schedule on Monday. I’ll confirm my appointments, and call you back if something opens up on that evening.”

Be specific down to the hour (even if you do not plan to adhere to it):

“I will need to make some calls at home later in the evening, so we’ll meet between 6:30 and 9:30.”

Always end with:

“Call me ahead of time if you’re going to be more than a few minutes late.”

During the appointment, if the other party is more than 15 minutes late without calling ahead of time. Simply leave. If they refuse to adhere to your simple rules for time, then they do not deserve it. They will be frustrated when they arrive, but will be more punctual the next time they want to meet with you.

We all have a friend in our lives who is consistently late in meeting with us. Early in our friendship, we allowed them to do this over and over without recourse. As a result, they are comfortable in making us wait. Do not set a precedent for this behaviour, be strict about the rules regarding your time. You have a limited supply, so don’t let others waste it.

Oh I’m sorry. I think you’ve mistaken my kindness for weakness.

Every word in this article has been written to even out the playing field between good-natured people, and those that use and abuse them. In reality, almost everyone is good-natured, but depending on your background, family, and environment - some people are wired to take advantage of others.

Be kind, but not weak. Not a single line in this article makes you an unkind individual - it just makes you street savvy. Kindness is a lot like money: other people want yours, and you can spend it wisely or unwisely.

To be respected is more important than being liked. The beautiful thing about life is that you can earn respect while being likeable - but it needs to come in that order. Some readers may fear that the contents of this article may push some friends away, but you need to ask yourself about the calibre of the people you want in your life.

Certainly, a friend who calls you only when they need a lift or money will recoil when you say “NO” after many years of saying “YES”. Is this really someone that you would be in fear of alienating? Would they really care if you dropped dead in the morning?

Many times in my existence, I wanted to blame others for their rudeness, annoying persistence and demanding natures. Ultimately, I discovered that I am responsible for the way I let others treat me. The people in my life now know my boundaries, they respect me for those boundaries, and understand that they will benefit from the full nature of my kindness as long as they do not cross those lines.

Genuine friendships and romances will survive the very simple test-course you have laid out for yourself and your time. Women, men, co-workers, employers, school friends, they all want the same thing: To be surrounded by people they respect and look up to. So if you truly want to be kind to others, then you owe it to yourself and your friends to be this person.

Thank you so much reading. I very much hope that some of the experiences in this article will add to your quality of life. It is quite long, but contains the advice I will pass on to my children, and I hope that you share it with your friends and children too.

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You believe WHAT?

2008-02-13T10:47:34Z

Beliefs. They’re only valid when they belong to us. If only. Beliefs can be positive or self limiting, and even dangerous at times. Our environment, schooling, friends and experiences shape our belief systems. As these factors are unique, no two people on our planet share identical beliefs.

For this reason, it is important to learn to communicate effectively with those who hold a different perspective to our own. In fact, an important lesson is to prioritise human respect ahead of challenging another person’s belief.

Insensitive sensitivity

We have a dilemma in our society. People are overly sensitive. Yet, the very same people act insensitively toward beliefs held by others. To illustrate, I was once seated close to a devout Catholic woman and a young Muslim man. She became very upset one day when another colleague got into an argument with her about the commercialisation of Christmas, and implied that it dishonours Christ. She was so upset, she left work early that day.

The very next morning, she was on the phone to her friend. She said some insulting things about Islam clearly in earshot of the young Muslim man seated near us. He listened, kept his head down and said nothing. After her conversation, I took her aside and explained how inappropriate this behaviour was. Her response:

“He won’t mind. Besides, it is all true. If he can’t handle the truth, then that’s not my problem.”

“What is true for you is not truth for everyone else.” I responded.

How can someone who was so recently affected by a challenge to her own beliefs be so insensitive towards someone else? It’s quite simple. Beliefs are like children: they’re only important when they’re our own.

Changing Opinion

Why do we challenge other’s beliefs? Usually this is to bring about a change of opinion. Some beliefs should be challenged. Others should not. Change is an important part of our evolution, but we must first think about “change” subjectively. If a friend believes they are incapable of love, perhaps that is a belief worth challenging. We can universally agree that the belief in one’s self to be able to fall in love is a positive thing.

In contrast, what about change in religious opinion? Can we universally agree that a change to Christianity, Islam, Judaism or Atheism is the “right” thing? Of course not. This is simply a validation of our own ego. We assume that who and what we are is the “right” way to be, thus we have earned the right to change others.

Is change even possible for long held beliefs? As a species, we affirm our beliefs, ignore contradictions, and even deny what our eyes see. If we want something to be true, we will seek information that agrees with our already held belief. This is even true when reading reviews of consumer items we are interested in purchasing.

If you go to Church every Sunday and have been throughout your life, would anything convince you to stop? If you are a sceptical atheist and have been your whole life, would any argument make you a believer? If you have kids, could anyone convince you that your children are not special? No matter what the argument or evidence, people will unlikely change their beliefs. Some beliefs are worth challenging, others will never change.

Lose-Lose

Let me put it bluntly. If you are attempting to change a personal and long held belief of another person in a single conversation, you will never win. Your arguments may be flawless. You may even admire your own persistence. However, the other party will simply see you as ignorant, uninformed, arrogant and inexperienced. As you attempt to convince them, in the mind of the recipient, you are simply someone who is not intelligent or experienced enough to know what they know. This roadblock will irritate you, and you will irritate them. Lose-lose.

It is simply better to be on good-ground with people and agree to disagree than to make yourself heard. I have for a long time challenged the beliefs of others. I have hurt their feelings and learned the hard way. You need to ask yourself, is it worth it? Almost always, the answer is no.

The Simple Lesson

Human respect and positive interactivity is more important than anything else. If you agree with this statement, you will pick your battles wisely. Respect is a word that is thrown around casually, but it’s a wonderful thing. Think about the last two or three really nasty encounters you have had with other people. Would these encounters have occurred with such ferocity if there were mutual respect toward one another? There are more important things than winning an argument.

When to challenge?

Much of this article was spent in discouraging you to challenge other people’s beliefs. There is a good reason for this. Challenging long held beliefs is like navigating a minefield. We often don’t think about how we came about our own belief system. Did we change our beliefs overnight because of a challenging conversation with a friend? Of course not. We shouldn’t expect the same with others.

That said, there are times when you should challenge the beliefs of others. This is the exception to the rule. You should exercise this opportunity only when a belief is limiting the life-experience of another individual. Be it self-doubt, shyness, fear of flying, or rejection - it is a noble gesture to help someone overcome self-limiting beliefs.

Techniques for Discussing Beliefs

1. Mind your environment

When engaging in conversation with someone for the purpose of challenging his or her beliefs, do it in private. I have witnessed ridiculous office discussions, with one that spiralled out of control and ended in a legal battle for workplace bullying. It’s all about respect.

2. Keep focussed on body language

Watch for clues in the body language of the other party so that you know when to back off and keep quiet. If the individual looks up at the ceiling while you’re talking, this is a good indication that they are no longer listening to you. Parents of teenagers will have seen this many times. Furrowing brows, rolling eyes, even smirking - learn to back off, and let them speak - they’re not listening to you at this stage.

3. Shush… Listen

In any discussion, you want to avoid getting to a point when each party (rather than listening) is thinking about their next “line”. You can avoid this simply by keeping quiet and letting the other party talk. Let them get it out of their system. If the belief is worth challenging, it will let you know their justification, and equip you to counter argue. You cannot argue against the unknown. Let them talk.

4. Re-assurance

From time to time, remind the person that you are challenging them because you feel that their belief system is genuinely self-limiting. This is not an attack on them personally, simply a belief that is holding them back.

5. You’re worth arguing about

A good technique to lower the defensiveness of the other person is to simply say:

“Look. This is not fun for me either. But I care about you, and I care about what you care about. If it means we’ll argue from time to time, then that’s fine. You’re worth arguing about.”

It is a good way to demonstrate that you are not a self-validating egotist who likes to hear his/her own voice. Instead, you are showing genuine interest in their beliefs because you care about them.

6. I see your point. I used to believe that too.

You will almost always have better luck changing the opinion of another, if you had once shared their belief system in the past. We trust the opinion of those who have been in our shoes. Try and see things from their point of view and freely admit if you had once shared their belief. It allows you the chance to discuss your journey into finding your new belief - a story that will be far more engaging than simply arguing facts.

Self Discovery

Ultimately, we need to understand that the most important beliefs in our lives are obtained through experience and self-discovery. An infinite number of discussions about children will never prepare you for parenthood. A hundred books on religion will never convert an atheist, nor would a hundred books on atheism discourage a Christian.

Life is a journey of self-discovery. Ultimately, like magnets, we are attracted to the beliefs that resonate with us and validate who we are. We all see the same things but interpret truth differently. We can be quick to critically pick apart a belief held by someone else, and yet cling blindly and defensively to our own.

This article was written with a single message: respect first. If what you are about to say is disrespectful to another person’s believes, simply do not say it. No “how-to”, simply don’t. Our relationships and friendships are what define us. Don’t throw that away to outsmart one another. Agree to disagree.

In our efforts to be heard, understood and agreed with, we close ourselves from learning from others. Just as the multitude of languages and accents are like flavour to our ears, beliefs are like music for our soul. We should learn to turn down our own, so that we can hear the music of others.

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Is it wrong to be single?

2008-02-07T07:27:43Z

Love is a wonderful thing. Without downplaying the importance of love and relationships, I do want to point out that “single” people among us are often discriminated.

Of course, the severity of this discrimination is minute compared to that of race, gender and sexuality. However, single people are made to (and often make themselves) feel like something is missing. There isn’t.

As “dating” and “getting married” are such common goals in our society, I wanted to address those who have decided not to adhere to these goals. You may be single, but you’re not alone.

Discriminated? How?

Firstly, many of us make the mistake of assuming every “single” person is looking for someone special. If I published an article called “The Art of Playing Cupid”, it would likely get more attention than this one. We invite a group of friends for dinner, and seat single people together hoping that sparks fly.

The “Singles Table” at a wedding is a popular manifestation of this type of behaviour at work. Admittedly, this is fantastic for individuals looking to meet other people romantically, but what about those who have made a conscious decision to be single?

Socially, those in relationships feel somewhat comfortable educating those who are single. Ironically, I have lost count of how many unhappily married friends offered me advice on “meeting the right person”.

In the Office

Speaking from personal experience, single office workers are far more likely to be demanded for overtime than those with spouses and children. Upon resisting to commit to overtime, one manager explained to me: “Come on. You’ve got nothing to do. I can’t ask the others, they’ve got families to go home to.” Imagine that. Nothing to do?

Single office workers also form the majority of romantic office gossip. As a bachelor, I was rarely able to communicate with an attractive employee without triggering a rumour. I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for single women in male dominated environments. Almost any innocent conversation can raise eyebrows.

It is wrong to be single…

Through my youth, I was “always” in relationships. One relationship would end, another would begin very soon afterwards. This went on for many years.

Reaching early adulthood, a relationship soon became something I “needed” rather than wanted. I became “dependent” on having someone in my life romantically.

To be honest, I thought this was perfectly fine. My environment validated my feelings. On television programs and movies, all single people were happy only when they met someone else. It was in the lyrics of almost every song released.

Distant friends would start conversation with, “so… are you with anyone?”. Ageing relatives would ask, “When are you getting married?”. My environment taught me one thing: it is wrong to be single.

The Glass is Half Empty

I only felt the true impact of this “dependency” when I left it unfilled. It felt like I had a void in my life. I did not feel like a complete person. My older brother was also a bachelor, albeit a very comfortable one. Upon realising how down I was, he took me out for a coffee and began explaining:

“I know why you’re upset. You can’t be single.”

“Sure I can.”

“You can for a month, maybe a few months. But I know you. You will get back into a relationship the first chance you can get.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked. My behaviour felt perfectly rational in our society.

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You identify yourself within the context of a relationship. You never gave yourself a chance to like who you are.”

“I like who I am.”

“If you liked who you are, you would be comfortable in your own company. You are like a half-empty glass, waiting for someone else to fill it.”

“Everyone is looking for someone.” I said.

“I’m just saying, you should look for someone, once you’re comfortable being on your own for a while. I want you to like being single. I want you to go into a relationship out of joy, not need.” He was right.

He continued, “I like relationships, but only if they add to my current enjoyment of life. The truth is, I’m already complete, I’m a full glass. I wasn’t always like this, but I’m glad I worked at it. It may take you two years, or ten years… but learn to like yourself on your own.”

I took his advice. As lonely as it was sometimes, I promised myself to be comfortable on my own before reaching out for others.

I was lied to.

For three years, I lived as a bachelor. I learned to love coming home to a quite apartment, the spontaneity of going out with friends for dinner, and the comfort I felt in my own skin.

Rather than looking at what was missing, I focussed on all that I had, and I had plenty. A friend once asked me, “Aren’t you scared of dying alone?”. I laughed, and then asked him to keep that day free to keep me company on my deathbed. The truth is: we’re never alone.

In a cafe near work, another close friend asked me, “What if you don’t have any kids?”. Seemingly, there are bigger problems facing the world than my procreation. Running late, we stood to pay our bill at the counter, and by some divine intervention, a small child on the adjacent table threw an unwanted chocolate ice cream cone that landed “center-stage” on the back of my friend’s beige trousers.

“Bad place to get chocolate. That’ll be hard to explain at the office.” I said.

The single life wasn’t bad. My brother was right, you can be happy alone. I became independent. My glass was full. I cannot express in words how grateful I am to have had that conversation with my brother. The experience completely transformed me. My environment had lied to me, there was nothing wrong with being single.

Relationships can be amazing

Please don’t misunderstand me. Some relationships are wonderful. I love my wife dearly and would not give her up for anything in the world. I simply want to point out that a “single” person can have as much meaning and joy in his/her life. Whether this is a temporary choice or a permanent one, it is definitely an enlightening path.

A final note. If you feel uneasy being single, please take the time to be alone before your next relationship. Learn to like who you are as a “single” individual. If for nothing else, do it out of respect for your next partner. We want to be loved because we are loveable, not because we are needed.

Although the majority of you are likely in relationships, perhaps you know someone who is a little hard on themselves. Please feel free to share this article with them, and offer them a little encouragement. Thank you all for reading.

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Jay Morrissey

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No excuses

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Rules for your time

Oh I’m sorry. I think you’ve mistaken my kindness for weakness.

You believe WHAT?

Insensitive sensitivity

Changing Opinion

Lose-Lose

The Simple Lesson

When to challenge?

Techniques for Discussing Beliefs

1. Mind your environment

2. Keep focussed on body language

3. Shush… Listen

4. Re-assurance

5. You’re worth arguing about

6. I see your point. I used to believe that too.

Self Discovery

Is it wrong to be single?

Discriminated? How?

In the Office

It is wrong to be single…

The Glass is Half Empty

I was lied to.

Relationships can be amazing

“Never insult an alligator until you’ve crossed the river.”

- Cordell Hull