For some, the topic of money is just like any other. For others, the discussion of money can become uncomfortable, especially if it can make us appear greedy.

The discomfort we feel when discussing money with employers is perfectly natural, yet we should endeavour to develop the tactics and confidence to approach conversations that revolve around money. After all, the most important role of a career is to trade our time for money.

We want to be appreciated for our work, and do not want to appear “greedy” in the process. This is a topic that I relate close to. In my early years as an office worker, in an effort to be “polite” I avoided the discussion of money with my employers. As a result, I became severely underpaid compared to colleagues who had the confidence to discuss money with upper management.

Money was never a taboo subject in my household, and yet I was incredibly hesitant to ask for more while in employment. Thanks to the teachings of sincere managers and personal experience, I have since learned many things about communication relating to compensation. This is a broad topic, so I have created a series of articles called “Money at Work”.

My aim is to give you the confidence to tactfully approach the subject of money in a range of occupational situations. The articles will cover salary negotiation in a job interview, asking for a pay increase, and approaching the topic of reimbursements for overtime. Wherever you are in your career, I would advise that you read through all of the articles. Perhaps you may be able to pass on the advice to somebody else in need of it.

Please share what you learn in the following with your children, especially if they are moving into a professional office environment. The skills that pertain to negotiating pay also transfer to other parts of our lives. By developing the confidence to rationally discuss money, you will be well equipped when other equally uncomfortable topics need to be discussed.

That said, the first part of this series is Discussing Money at Work - Part 1: Salary negotiation in a job interview. Thank you for reading. I look forward to your advice and feedback in the comments sections of the upcoming articles.

Discussing Money at Work - Part 1: Salary negotiation in a job interview

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We all get that sick feeling in our stomach from time to time. Challenges and changes in our lives are supposed to be exciting, and yet these situations are often accompanied with anxiety.

Learning to handle anxiety is an important skill, one that can take an entire life to master. Throughout your existence, life will throw you a series of challenges, the more unique the challenge, the more anxiety will accompany it. The nature, and source of the challenge is unimportant. The critical factor is in your ability to take on the challenge in a relaxed and thoughtful manner.

The Anxiety Paradox

Our physiology is paradoxical. Rather than being rewarded with a feeling of pride and bravery when challenged, we instead are punished with self doubt, loss of appetite and a social disconnect from others. The ultimate result of anxiety in our lives is that it deters us from trying new things and handling the twists and turns of external factors.

Like all things, anxiety can cover an entire spectrum of personal responses. Be it a single moment of self doubt before a big presentation, or a completely incapacitating response that causes the person to remain indoors indefinitely. We all face the burden of anxiety everyday. Those who learn to face anxiety will have a richer experience in the limited time we have on this earth.

Jay meet Anxiety, Anxiety this is Jay

Anxiety is something that had a strong effect on my experience as a youth. I was never incapacitated by anxiety, but socially I was shy, would not take any risks, and lived completely in my comfort zone. I had the same set of friends throughout my primary and secondary education. I was invited to parties, but never went. I never asked a girl out, and was only involved in relationships if a girl made the first move. I would be blissfully ignorant to my behaviour, had it not been for my older brother who was quite the opposite.

He tried new things. He was a talented artist, musician, and a socially gifted individual. He took risks, without any proof of possible outcome, he attempted so much that most of us would not. This was a strong contrast to who I was, the realisation of this difference would later be the greatest self-discovery in my life.

As I joined my older brother in University, I quickly found out that he was an abnormally popular and respected person. Through his guidance, personal experience and friends of amazing social aptitude, I have since learned to handle anxiety, and even use it to fuel positive behaviour. I am happy to share what I have learned with you.

The Spectrum of Life: Acceptance of Anxiety

Most of us have heard of the concept of “comfort zone”. This is a collection of environmental attributes, people and behaviours we are comfortable with. We are often told to increase our comfort zone, to allow us to better take on challenges and handle problems. I used to think: “But, why would I want to take on more challenges and problems. Life is already hard enough, why make it harder.”

I remember talking with a close friend on this subject. He was someone I would consider a social, academic and professional success. When I explained to him the anxiety I felt when trying new things or meeting new people, the conversation took an interesting path:

“We all feel anxious. What’s wrong with that?”

I replied, “I’m sick of it. I’d rather not do something, than have that feeling in the pit of my stomach.”

“I feel like that all the time. In fact, if I don’t have that feeling of anxiety once a day, I’m obviously bored.”

“Sounds terrible. Why would you do that to yourself if you didn’t have to?” I asked, thinking he was just showing off.

“It’s the Spectrum of Life mate. We all die, that’s a given. But I don’t want to leave this Earth without experiencing the full spectrum of feelings. Happyness, sadness, excitement, anxiety… Do you want to live a semi-existence? Or do you want to live a full life? If I was happy and comfortable all the time, I would miss out on the other half.”

He had a point. It had not occurred to me until that moment why people voluntarily pay money to watch scary movies. Fear is a negative emotion, yet we pay money to experience it.

As if reading my mind, he continued, “Imagine if cinema had no drama, no fear, no awkward characters and embarrassing scenes. It would be boring as hell, you wouldn’t watch it. Why would you live it?”

I found my answer. Why would I grow my comfort zone? Why would I accept the feeling of anxiety? Because without it, I will have lived only half of what I’m emotionally capable of. I did not want to live a “boring movie” anymore. For the same reasons I would voluntarily watch a comedy or a tragic drama, I wanted to “feel” more. Perhaps, if I live my life more fully, I would not crave these emotions in entertainment so much.

Control or be Controlled

Accepting anxiety is the first step. It allows us to welcome the feeling rather than running scared of it. That said, without controlling our emotions, they will us.

This relates to all of our emotions, not just anxiety. For example, if we allowed anger to control us, the rate of road rage related homicides would be a scary reality. Imagine if we asked somebody to marry us anytime we were happy. Having control of our emotions is an important part of our function, without it, our desired outcomes are dependent only on the emotion we are feeling at the time. If you killed somebody anytime you were upset, you would certainly regret it once the anger subsides.

In a similar way, anxiety needs to be controlled. Growing up, we are taught numerous techniques by our guardians on dealing with anger, such as taking a time-out, counting down from 10 etc. Rarely do we learn how to cope with anxiety.

Distraction

The single best way I have found to cope with anxiety, is to simply distract from it. When you are anxious, idleness is not your friend. I always carry a portable music device with me everywhere I go. By filling it with funny podcasts, or interesting audio books, I can drown out any doubtful thoughts in my mind by redirecting my focus.

In an important professional group seminar, I was one of three people presenting to a large audience. I was accompanied by a work colleague and a professional guest speaker. An hour before presenting, my colleague had excused himself and left to a small cafeteria to be alone and gather his thoughts. By the time he returned, he was a nervous wreck. In idleness, his anxiety took over him. When presenting, he was barely able to look up from his cue cards in fear of making a mistake.

In contrast, an hour before the same seminar, the experienced guest speaker insisted that we converse about something completely unrelated. He explained that by distracting from the anxiety, our chance of a good presentation was greater. You see, the butterflies in your stomach never go away, but your ability to focus on something else ultimately impacts your ability to forge ahead. The professional speaker understood this.

I asked him, “Are you not anxious?”

He responded, “Oh yes. When I’m no longer anxious from speaking in front of people, that’s the day I will quit. The challenge is not in speaking, its in handling my emotions beforehand.”

After presenting my part of the seminar, I sat back and watched the difference between someone who is in control of his emotions, and someone who let their emotions control him. I knew exactly which one I wanted to be like.

The Mind-Body Connection

The role of mind-body connection is something we are all familiar with. When helping an angry friend to calm down, we often tell them to “breathe slowly”. Breathing slowly mimics the behaviour of someone who is calm, and by association will cause a feeling of calm in the angry individual. We rarely see a happy person frowning, or a sad person smiling ear-to-ear. This is because our posture (body) and our feelings (mind) are interdependent.

Our usual sensibility tells us that our mind will ultimately control our posture. If we are happy, then we will smile. This is not a one-way street however. The conscious manipulation of our body can affect our feelings, much like the way a “power-suit” or an elegant formal attire can change our self-perception. I jokingly call this the “James Bond” premise, as even a teenage boy will walk around like James Bond in a fine suit.

By controlling the body, we can positively affect the mind. In moments of anxiety, it is good mimic the posture and behaviour of somebody who is confident and relaxed. I find that by leaning back in my seat, stretching my legs out, with a cup of tea hiding a somewhat forced smile, I immediately begin to feel better.

I also engage in conversation with people who have a habit of making me laugh. I find laughter has the strongest affect over all mind-body techniques. If I am alone at the time, I will attempt to listen to something funny or watch a good comedy show. This has the added benefit of distracting you, as well as positively affecting your state.

The Dark Emotion

I refer to anxiety as the dark emotion. Like every other emotion, its affect on us is dependent entirely on how we control it. It is wrong to say that anxiety is bad. We need our darker emotions, just as much we need happyness and confidence. Often, anxiety is a drive to change something in your life. If you woke up one morning, anxious of all of the things you need to do that day, does it not spring you into action?

If you unfairly hurt someone’s feelings, is it not your anxiety that instigates your apology? Ultimately, I have learned to embrace anxiety as a part of my human experience. At times it causes me to stare at a wall, at other times, it makes me feel alive! The impact anxiety plays in your life will essentially depend on your ability to embrace the darker emotion, and control it like you would any other.

The next time anxiety gets you down, remind yourself that experiencing the “rainbow of emotions” is a gift that you should allow yourself to receive. You can always paint with the bright colours, but the artwork that is you, would never be as complete without the darker shades.

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We are often put in a situation where we need to negotiate with, or confront somebody in authority. For most of us, this is our employer, our direct manager, or even a CEO. Confrontation is already an unpleasant situation, and it is often made worse when the other person is in a position of authority over us.

In my time, I have had the opportunity to work with some amazing managers, and others for whom the term “manager” was simply a title for ego. The latter could certainly learn from the first. Unfortunately, we cannot change people very easily. We can only control what we know and equip ourselves with the confidence necessary to negotiate with and confront authority, whether the individual in question is good-natured, or an extravagant egotist.

A Primer

Allow me to break this article up, and relate it from my personal experience. Through this piece, I will detail the technique and combine it with a true story taken from my youth.

Many years ago, I worked for a senior manager who did not acknowledge the existence of lower-level staff. Unfortunately for me, “lower-level staff” is exactly what I was at the time. Everyday myself, and my colleagues, would walk past his desk and greet him. He would not respond at all, not a nod, or a smile. He would not even turn his head from his computer.

This was made worse when we needed to ask him questions vital for completing our work. He often ignored us completely, or made us wait by his desk for minutes in complete silence while he typed away at an e-mail. The experience was similar to games I would play as a child, an adult version of a “silent treatment”.

My colleagues were getting fed up with this behaviour. One left the company altogether. Three others were ready take a proactive approach by planning to file a formal complaint with upper management. I decided to seek the council of a friend who was exceptional at dealing with such matters. His advice:

1. Never go over someone’s head

We often deal with “difficult” people in our lives. Though it is easy to forget that a “difficult person” rarely manifests without difficulty in their own lives. When you are in conflict with another person, take a direct approach.

A conflict is usually made worse if you approach your authority’s boss - especially without the authority knowing. By communicating the issue directly with your authority, you may discover that there is an underlying problem, a family conflict at home or even just a bad day at work. You should only approach your manager’s boss if there is no chance of resolution - after you have tried communicating directly.

My friend continued, “Talk to him directly. He might be unpleasant, but don’t get him in trouble until you approach him first.”

To this I responded, “This man can have me fired in the blink of an eye.”

“Trust me. If you talk to him first, he will be upset with you, but he’ll respect you for it.”

I walked over to his desk and said I needed to talk to him about his behaviour.

2. Confidence

Confidence is king. Remember that you are in a discussion with another human being, a creature with your exact make up. Nature affirms your equality. The job title is a mere fabrication of our society, a smart sounding label that our culture takes too seriously. You will always connect with people more fluidly if you talk on the same level. Do not delude yourself into thinking you are inferior, not now, not ever.

For this section of the story, I will use youth as an excuse for an amazingly bold manoeuvre on my part, and I sincerely recommend that if you enjoy your monthly paycheque - you take a more tactful approach than I do here:

After 20 seconds of standing idly by his desk waiting for a response, I looked around to make sure other employees were not watching. I took a yellow post-it note, wrote down “Need to speak to Jay” on it and gently stuck it to his forehead. I then walked briskly back to my desk (like a child who just broke an expensive vase) almost certain of an upcoming onslaught.

Needless to say he was a little upset. After a few minutes of yelling, I responded: “I’m sorry about that. But, this is the only way I can get your attention.” I suggested we talk in a meeting room.

3. Always talk in a private setting

If your end goal is not to embarrass your employer, you need to discuss matters of concern away from the eyes of other employees. You are instigating this conversation, so you are responsible for ensuring that the other person is comfortable in engaging in discussion.

This is not the time to act like a hero in front of other employees. You should only defend yourself publicly if someone else is attacking you in the same manner. You are the instigator, and as such, you need to establish privacy for the authority.

We sat down. He was still a bit edgy.

“I stuck a post-it on your forehead. Do you know how many managers I have done that to? None. I’ve never had to.”

He responded, “Well its very unprofessional. You are a new recruit in this company, this is not a smart career move.”

4. Diffuse predictable intimidation

When confronted, almost every manager or employer plays their “authority” card. Some do this subtly, others simply shout: “You work for me. I don’t work for you.” This is predictable, and you need emotionally prepare yourself for such comments.

As the person in authority plays this card, you need to diffuse this intimidation by offering an unpleasant alternative. “I understand that you are the authority. It is hard for me, but I would rather speak to you personally than involve senior management, other employees, human resources, or even a lawyer.”

This is an interesting technique that you should add to your communication arsenal. Not only does this diffuse any possible intimidation on the authority’s behalf, it also brings the conversation down to a personal level, rather than boss to subordinate. You are “speaking personally”.

Calmly, I said “That’s fine. The smart thing would have been for me to file a complaint to your direct manager. To detail your attitude towards people you are supposed to be ‘managing’. I decided to put my career ambition aside and talk to you directly. I didn’t want to get you in trouble if we didn’t have to.”

In a friendly, tone I added “I figure you have the right to know before anyone else if there is a problem. People have gone behind my back in the past, and I didn’t want to do the same to you.”

He was quiet for a minute. The weight of what I had said began to sink in. He responded, “Well I appreciate you not going over my head.”

5. Assurance before discipline

This technique is the first part of the classic management tool: “The Sandwich Technique”. The goal here is to reduce the defensiveness of the other person by first mentioning something complimentary, before following it up with the issue that is bothering you.

I moved my seat closer towards him and said “You’re obviously very good at what you do, or you wouldn’t be here. We respect you professionally, but that connection will suffer for as long as you place a low priority on us.”

He said, “I’m just busy, that’s all.”

“We’re all busy. It doesn’t take long to be courteous. You will spend much more time trying to build broken bridges later if this doesn’t change.”

He responded, “That’s fair. I’ll make more time.”

6. Assurance after discipline

Like a formulaic Hollywood movie, you should leave on a good note. Quite often, the issue can be resolved without an attack on someone’s personality. It is important to affirm the quality of the person, and separate this from the problem at hand. This concludes “the Sandwich Technique”. You have successfully created a “Problem Sandwich” with two loafs of “Positive Communication”.

“You seem like a good bloke. If the rest of us had a chance to know you better, we’d all discover that for ourselves. Oh, and sorry for the post-it note.”

7. Feedback and Positive Reinforcement

Without reinforcing good behaviour, we increase the likelihood of a problem re-occurring. A week or so after resolving an issue with your manager or employer, be sure to tell them how things are better, and how much you appreciate their co-operation. We are all creatures of habit, and can easily fall back to unpleasant tendencies. Fortunately, it takes very little encouragement to push us along in the right direction.

A week had passed and my relationship with this manager improved significantly. He was indeed a very good person, only a victim of stress and never-ending pressure from his managers.

I spoke with him regarding the positive changes I had witnessed between himself and other colleagues. By affirming these outcomes with him, it reinforced this positive behaviour.

If there is only a single piece of advice that you part with, it is to treat your employer the way you would want to be treated. Take the opportunity to show the most noble of traits: honesty, directness, understanding and encouragement. I do understand that this is not always possible, and if this is the case for you, you may have no option but to get third parties involved.

Thankfully, the majority of people in authority appreciate this approach and look to improve their connection with staff. With these techniques, I am sure the respect your seniors have for you will flow over from professional to personal.

At the heart of it, personal respect is the single most rewarding gift we can accept from people we work with, as it survives independently of fancy job titles and endures beyond the borders of authority.

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Imagine you woke up this morning and had no expectations of yourself. No standard you had to live up to. How would that feel? In my humble opinion, people demand so much of themselves that their confidence suffers. In a given day, we demand ourselves to look prettier, feel fitter, walk taller, talk with more charisma, work more productively, and even be funnier. Is it any wonder we doubt ourselves?

I have read many pieces of work in the past that focus on visualising, practising, self-hypnosis and many other techniques for dealing with confidence. I think these methods complicate what is really a societal issue: we can’t live up to our own expectations.

My solution is simple: lower the pressure you put on yourself. Rather than trying to trick your mind to feel confident in particular situations, simply let go of the expectation to be perfect. Another words, find comfort in failure.

The irony of all this of course is that you will likely succeed in your endeavours. By removing the pressure you put on yourself, your mind is clear on what it wants to achieve. Stress is a wasted emotion.

Zero Expectation

To have no expectation at all is admittedly an odd state for a goal-oriented being. Though the absence of expectation makes the achievement of the goal so much more fluid. Here’s a real life example that illustrates this point, imagine you are in a coffee shop with a friend. You order a cup of coffee at the bar and need to carry the cup of coffee on a saucer from the bar to your table. If you stare at the cup and think to yourself “Don’t spill it, don’t spill it, don’t spill it,” what happens? Yes, you’ve spilt it at the last minute. Trained waiters and waitresses know not to focus on the cup, the pressure to not spill it is counterproductive.

The technique of zero expectation also transfers well to sports. As a teenager, I loved playing basketball at school. One of the techniques in the game was to put pressure on someone about to shoot a free throw. By saying things like “Come on… its an easy shot…”, the shooter will pressure themselves into missing it.

Human beings are magnificent creatures, our ability to learn and perform are usually clouded only by our own thoughts. If somebody throws you a ball, your muscles will co-ordinate perfectly to catch it. You do not need to think about every little step - it just happens. Let your life also work with such effortlessness.

Ask “Who cares?”

Who cares if you don’t have a six pack? Who cares if you stutter in your presentation to the boss? Who cares if you ate a chocolate bar while dieting? Who cares if you aren’t as charming as Hugh Grant? The answer of course is nobody… but you. This is the truth. No one else cares. The only standard you are living by is your own, so give yourself a break.

Years ago, as a nervous buffoon, I was encouraged by a friend to approach a pretty waitress in a cafe. After almost an hour of psyching myself up, I decided to take the plunge. Needless to say, it was not one of my finest moments.

Upon completing the walk of shame back towards my friend, he said “Why do you this to yourself? Why do you put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect? You were shaking out there.” My friend was quite popular with the opposite sex and had some advice to offer on the topic. “She doesn’t expect you to charm her like a movie star. The only person in this room who has an unreal expectation of you is you.”

This really did not sink in until a few months later, when I was conversing with my friend’s new date at a party. She said the quality she most loved about him: “He’s comfortable in his own skin. He likes who is and doesn’t worry about what he isn’t.” So perfectly put, those words were etched into my brain and would soon become the philosophy I live my life by.

You see, by not expecting so much of himself, he was automatically confident with who he is. Confidence is simply the failure to live up to an unreal expectation, an expectation that is held by you alone.

A level playing field

For those of you familiar with my other articles (notably: The Stigma of Corporate Prestige), you will know that I favour equality of all people. This world is a level playing field to me, I do not consider myself superior or inferior to anybody else. Money, education, occupation and reputation do not hold a personal value to me. They are simply achievements, not personable characteristics. There are a few personal traits I dearly admire: giving, kindness, respectfulness and sympathy - lucky these are unifying things we can all share, regardless of money.

I often ask myself why people are nervous around celebrities, politicians and even their senior managers. Do we value ourselves so poorly that a prominent figure can make us shake in our boots? I remember a young woman in my previous employment who had feelings towards another employee, but felt “he was too good” for her. Why?

We are born equal. Somewhere along the line, we question our value, and even worse - feel superiority over somebody else. Whether we like it or not, when engaging conversation with another person, this attitude can have a destructive affect on our confidence. Our connection with someone blossoms at its peak when there is a feeling of equality. This is typically why our culture is most comfortable when engaging conversation with people in the same “class”. This is a limiting behaviour that you don’t have to subscribe to.

When engaging in conversation with a stranger, whether romantically, professionally or simply personally, balance their personal value with yours - no more, no less. You will be surprised how much more comfortable you feel at this equilibrium. It is the difference between speaking to your CEO and speaking with a good friend. Your confidence depends on you, do not question your value and your contribution relative to others. We are all equal, we all contribute in our own way, and we should start acting like it.

Confidence in Conversation:

Confidence and conversation go hand in hand, especially when talking with a stranger. The expectation usually connected with conversation is fear of rejection. Rejection is not uniquely linked to romance, this fear manifests itself in even the most unromantic of corporate environments. We want to be funny, to sound intelligent and informed. All of this pressure usually has the opposite affect.

The trick is to just be you - and to be happy with that! Be comfortable in your own skin. You don’t need to perfect, you’re who you are and that’s fine. When engaging in conversation with someone you don’t know personally, ignore the fancy suit, job title, the fact that they’re middle or upper class. You are a person, and they are one too. You will only feel nervous if you feel you have something to prove, an image to live up to. You are on equal playing field, so talk like you would with a good friend.

We often associate confidence with a set of behavioural traits. In fact, confidence is simply being happy with who you are. The behaviours tag along naturally as a by-product.

Why no step-by-step guide?

I did not want to write a “5 Steps to Peak Confidence” type of article for you. I sometimes find this form of simplification patronising. Our world is a little more complicated than that. Though I offer you only one piece of advice: You are as important and as unimportant as everyone else. You do not need to perfect, you do not need to be super-productive, nor do you need to be beautiful. These are false and unnecessary expectations we apply to ourselves. If you are alive today, then all necessary qualifications have been met.

Confidence can not be fixed with a step-by-step approach, you simply need to learn to accept yourself. Let go of unrealistic expectations in your life, see humanity as equals, and remind yourself that no one else but you cares about the outcome. I have found that this attitude often creates a feeling of confidence in me. I hope that it does the same for you.

In an effort to learn more about you, I would love any feedback or techniques you have used in your life for creating a feeling of confidence.

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The power to communicate within the human species is our single most precious gift. Still, we have only scratched the surface with our ability to connect with each other. We are taught from a young age: don’t talk to strangers.

This is sound advice when you are seven years old. Though as an adult, this attitude can massively affect your enjoyment of life. We can all agree that the people we know now shape our lives. Yet, we are often shy, scared and even lazy when it comes to meeting new people. I have split this article into five sections, to demonstrate why you need to kick the “shy” habit and come out of your shell.

1. Dating

Put simply, if you rely only on friends-of-friends to meet new people - you are massively short changing yourself. Although the advice here is nothing new, allow me to give you some perspective on this. Due to the inability to approach strangers, I have friends (mostly men) who have testified that they would rather stay in an unhappy relationship than “go out there” and “meet new people”.

I feel bad for them, and even worse for their spouse. There is no feeling more awful than being settled on. The sting of rejection can last for a few hours, but the drudgery of an unhappy relationship could last for the rest of your life. If you have your eye on someone, take a step and form a connection. Don’t worry, in my next article (The Art of Conversation: Confidence), I will show you how. For now, remember the price you may be paying for staying “shy” in a world that favours the brave.

2. Your Community

Many years ago, while living in the outer suburbs, I used to hate my neighbour. He was constantly noisy, had a loud car, even louder parties and a girlfriend that made me blush. You know what? He turned out to be a great guy. All I had to do was introduce myself to him and he became a good friend. The noise levels did not change, but my perceptions of him did. He didn’t bother me anymore. How strange.

While speaking with friends about this topic, often a well known Seinfeld episode is mentioned. Jerry Seinfeld’s neighbour (Kramer) puts on display the photos of every tenant and their name in the foyer of their building. His reasoning: if we all know each other, then we won’t steal from each other. I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I am personally much more understanding and sympathetic of people I know rather than those I do not.

Our community survives only from the connection of strangers. No government agency will introduce you to those in your apartment building, or your suburban block. This is our responsibility, and the world is better for it. So the next time you run into someone in your apartment building, hold out your hand and introduce yourself.

3. In the Office

This is a bold statement, you may not like it, but its true:

Your ability to connect with other employees is the single most important factor in maintaining your career.

Yes, this includes strangers in your work floor. Anytime you meet somebody new, you bet others are paying attention. People skills are running dry in corporate environments, if you are able to comfortably strike up a conversation in the kitchen of your office - you will have a significant advantage politically than a colleague who cannot.

While working in a consulting firm, I had once asked a stranger in the kitchen about the (quite absurd) strength of coffee he was pouring for himself. We spoke for a few minutes on different topics, introduced each other and parted ways.

Later that day, he made an appearance in an important meeting and introduced himself as the Chief Technical Officer of our client. He spotted me, leaned over to my manager and said “he’s got people skills, don’t let this one go.” I was given a monetary promotion two days later.

Whether its the managing director, the cleaner or a complete stranger - it will never hurt your career to connect with people. If anything, it will make your working day more enjoyable.

4. Circle of Friends

If your friends are solely from work and college, you are missing out. Some of the most engaging conversations in my life have been from people who do not share my background, education or perspective. I have grown more from isolated conversations with strangers than years of talking with the same person over and over again.

The goal is not to increase the size of the circle, but to fill it with quality individuals. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to exchange phone numbers with a new friend, or inviting them to a dinner party.

The friends you have now are likely to be the ones you keep for the rest of your life. There is no harm in adding quality people to your group, especially if they have almost nothing in common with you. Perhaps they will be the right person with the right advice at the right time.

5. Yes… Even Shopping

The ability to converse comfortably with strangers has a very odd side effect. I often get significant discounts on shopping items - without asking for them. I had only recognised this oddity when I came out of my shell in early adulthood. This is in no way manipulative on my part. I do not set out to obtain a discount, it just happens as a side effect of being kind.

Imagine you own a small footwear store. A complete stranger walks in, asks to see a shoe in size 11. Tries the shoe on and it fits. The stranger pays retail price, and leaves.

Now imagine the same situation, but a friend of yours walked in. Will you charge a friend the same amount as a complete stranger. Likely not. If possible, you will “throw in a discount”.

I am somewhere in between these extremes. I am friendly, but still a stranger. I have no agenda, I am this way naturally. If the person serving me looks tired, I will ask: “You look tired. Do you have long before you need to close the shop?” By engaging in conversation, in very short time a connection is made. In a matter of minutes, I am no longer a complete stranger. We know each other a little, and sometimes that makes all the difference.

When it is time to pay, the shopkeeper will often (not always) discount the items because I made their day, or put a smile on their face. I am sharing this with you because I want to illustrate the positive affect you can have on people, if you just make a small effort to get to know them.

For a life better lived

I do not consider myself an outstanding extravert. In fact, I think the rest of the world is chronically introverted. Music players, books and text messaging have given us an excuse to disconnect from others in public.

Have you noticed how easily senior citizens are able to engage in conversation with strangers? An old man on a train can strike up a conversation about anything with anyone. I think age teaches one very important lesson: the only thing that matters is personal connection. In a matter of seconds, a connection between two strangers can be made.

The elderly look at strangers differently than our younger generation. They are not overly friendly, the rest of us are not friendly enough. To better prepare our generation with the confidence to make these relationships happen, my upcoming series of articles will be focussing on these issues.

The relationships we make with strangers can last a few minutes, or even a lifetime. Regardless, there is a joyful feeling when this connection is formed, and we should never deny ourselves of these humanising moments.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also like:

• Conflict: Your guide to resolving any heated argument
  
• The Art of Verbal Intimidation : Learn it and fight back!
• The Stigma of Occupational Prestige

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An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but I’d rather be blind than see a coward in the mirror. In our evolutionary history, intimidation was a direct result of physical size. One human being would be intimidated by a larger creature, and even a larger human being. This formula is still in play, you need look only to night-club bouncers, celebrity security guards and biker gangs. As the tolerance for physical violence in our community diminishes, verbal intimidation has found itself a new home in our lives.

Often, the blows from a verbal intimidator can be just as punishing as those from a fist fight. With all matters of survival, if you don’t learn to fight, you will lose. Never instigate intimidation, but learn to fight back when somebody tries to intimidate you.

What is verbal intimidation?

Verbal intimidation is often the road of the coward. The intimidator attempts to generate a range of fears in their target by simply using intimidating words. This can be as extreme as the the threat of physical violence. However, I am more interested in verbal intimidation that is non-violent in nature. The kind of intimidation used by lawyers, corporate rivals, police officers and employers.

Intimidation techniques

Every technique employed by the instigator has a single goal: to take your power away from you. Every one of us has a fighting spirit, a confidence that allows us to wake up in the morning, and take on the world. Your verbal attacker is going to try and take this away from you, to leave you nervous, doubting yourself, and even stuttering. Your aim: to never give your power away. You will always have your power if you remain calm, confident, and equipped with the responses provided here.

Cutting-in

This is when the instigator asks a question, and immediately cuts into your answer with the next question. The result of this technique is that the target does not have a chance to explain their answers at all, leaving them scared about what the next question may be. This is most commonly employed by lawyers and police officers. The fear of being misquoted or taken out of context creates a feeling of nervousness, often making the target feel small and taking away their confidence to fight back.

Your Defense - Slow it down

If someone tries cutting-in on your responses. Simply pause, then politely reply:

I’ll answer your next question, when I’m done with this one.

You will likely hear the response, “We’re moving on.”. To this, confidently respond with:

We will move on, when I’m finished.

This needs to be said in a calm and emotionless tone. Do not be scared to respond in this manner. Your aim is to take the power away from the instigator. They will attempt to take control of the conversation by trying to get back to cutting-in. You need to slow the conversation down. Keep saying “I’m not finished.” when they try to cut-in.

Shouting

Hot headed upper managers can sometimes feel like gods in their workplace. As well as creating the office in 7 days, they sometimes shout down to employees as though they are children. Do not let this happen to you. There are only two people who are allowed to talk this way to you, your mother and father. The verbal attacker is attempting to convey dominance over you. If somebody is shouting at you in the work place with other people watching, you need to remain calm and completely disarm this individual. If you allow yourself to be yelled at, or get into a shouting match, your attacker will have walked away the victor.

Your Defense - Subtle Humiliation

Although this may sound counter-productive to your career, you need to employ a form of subtle humiliation. In effect, you need to humiliate your attacker by remaining calm and making them out to be a drama queen. I once witnessed a perfect example of this from a work colleague who had a verbal attack instigated towards him by a senior manager. As the manager elevated his voice to declare dominance, my work friend simply said:

I understand the concern. Though I do think you’re being very emotional right now. Let’s talk about this once you’ve had a chance to calm down.

The anger in the manager’s eyes grew ten-fold. In a desperate attempt to appear dominant, the manager further raised his voice and responded:

No! We’re talking about this now!

To which my colleague stood up, and responded softly:

I will talk to you, but I will not let you shout at me. You are my boss and I respect you, but you are not my mother.

My colleague had managed to hold on to his power, and reverse the desired affect of the attacker. In an effort to display dominance, the senior manager was made to look emotional. The dominance was transferred to my colleague, who incidentally took over the management role six months later. Much like Judo, he used the attackers power and weight against him.

Information Flood

This is a tactic used commonly by high powered attorneys who attempt to reach settlement by intimidating a member of the public. By flooding the victim with trade jargon, legal documentation and trade law references, the victim feels overwhelmed and has an emotional drowning sensation. The lawyers who practice this technique are completely aware that members of the general public do not understand the reference codes and precedents. They are not attempting to inform, but to intimidate. By making you feel overwhelmed, you are much more susceptible to co-operate with their agenda. Do NOT allow anybody to make you feel that way.

Your Defense - Active curiosity

Active curiosity is when you are really excited to learn about something new. This attitude will likely drive your attacker crazy. Your goal is to have them explain every little thing to you, and appear to be really eager to learn about it. They are trying to threaten you, yet you act like a kid who is learning to play the guitar. You are smiling, attentive, and inquisitive. As they throw trade practice laws your way, smile, nod, and have them explain all of the fine details to you. Treat it like a college education. Do not give away your power. As long as you have your confidence, you already have a head-start.

The Bait

Much like fishing, the bait is used to lure you in for an off handed attack. The attacker’s aim is to plant hurtful or accusatory phrases in seemingly innocent conversation to lure you in. Here’s an example:

Hi Sophie, I know you’re busy but I need this document written up before noon. It’s so easy, even you could do it. Thanks Sophie.

The bait here is “even you”. If Sophie is like most people, she will take the bait and respond with:

What do you mean even I could do it? I’ve been working here for 8 years and …

Your Defense - Skip the bait

Sophie took the bait, and now she is justifying her existence to the instigator. To which the instigator could simply reply, “you’re over reacting”. Sophie will lose her power in this conversation. Her aim, and your aim should be to NOT take the bait. Ignore it. Pretend you didn’t hear it.

This will make your verbal attacker recoil. You did not give them the response they were expecting. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. If someone throws in a bait, they want you to get upset and emotional - sometimes make a fool of yourself. You simply respond to the question or statement, ignoring the bait altogether. If you repeat this process with serial verbal offenders, they will soon give up entirely.

The lesson here is simple. You are a habitant on this wonderful planet, and you have the right to deny others control over you. When I was young, my father once passed on some great advice to me, which I am proud to share with you. He said, “You may not like the way things are in this world, but if you don’t learn the rules of the game and fight back, you will always lose.” Learn the rules, don’t let others gain control over your emotion, and fight back!

If you enjoyed this article, you may also like:

• Conflict: Your guide to resolving any heated argument
• The Art of Conversation: Stranger? No danger.
• The Stigma of Occupational Prestige

UPDATE: Due to popular request, I would like to provide you some resources from the amazing Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin. She is the authority in the field of Verbal Self-Defense. I have conversed with her over e-mail, and she has given me permission to link to her books, and provide a link to her page where you can find out more about her.

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work

You Can’t Say That to Me

More Verbal Self-Defense

You can find more information about Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin at her website: http://www.adrr.com/aa/  (opens in a new window)

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